Defective relationships «I was “too much” for him: now what?»

He is a very nice person, ours is a provincial middle-class marriage, two wonderful children, a private house with a garden, even mother-in-law and sister-in-law are ok.

The trouble is that I’ve never been quiet; aspiring busy woman (I’m a colleague), I claimed a family equality that is hard to practice and, before that, to understand, for a male born in Italy in the 70s.

And that, at some point, tired of the always too high bar, he left me. He didn’t even cheat on me, he couldn’t take it anymore and walked away. End of the QAP. Quiet too.

What happens at this point in the story?

Faced with Teutonic rationality – and effective psychotropic drugs – the separation and defined the equal custody of the children, waiting for the scar to heal well (I’m not here to complain about the pain of abandonment, that’s why I listen to pop music – semicit.) I find myself some time to administer and a certain desire for something new.

But… if I really don’t want PAQ (any more) and I learned at the time to run away from GAS, what’s left for me?

m.

Esther Viola’s answer

Esther Purple

Dear M,

I was thinking of being a public defender of the PAQ: the PAQ is not stupid.

At one point in High Fidelity Rob, in the years in which he tries to forget Charlie, the big-girl-love-gone-wrongly, meets Sarah.

Sarah and I were a marriage of interest, as cynical and mutually beneficial as all marriages of interest are, and I really thought I could spend my life with her. I wouldn’t have found anything wrong with it. She was ok. Once in a comedy show – A man around the house, maybe? – I heard a really absurd joke. There’s a guy who goes out with a bespectacled and ugly girl one night, gets her drunk, and while he takes her home, he tries. “I’m not that kind of girl!” she yells. He stares at her dumbfounded and says: «But… you have to be». When I was sixteen she made me laugh, but then I forgot about her. She only came back to me the day Sarah told me she had met someone else. «But… but you don’t have to», I wanted to stammer. I don’t mean by that that Sarah was undesirable – she wasn’t, by no means, and in any case this guy had obviously wanted her.

I simply mean that this meeting with another man of hers was completely contrary to the spirit of our understanding. What we had most in common (because, to tell the truth, our mutual admiration for Diva didn’t go much beyond the first few months) was that both of us had been dumped in our previous history, and, on the whole, we were both against dumping, we were fervent anti-dischargers.

So how did he dump me? I was unrealistic, of course. We always run the risk of losing anyone worth our time, unless we’re paranoid enough to choose someone we can never lose, someone who will never attract anyone else. If you embark on a story, you have to assume that it doesn’t work, and that sooner or later a Marco will arrive, let’s say, or, as in the present case, a Tom, to mess everything up for you. But I didn’t see it that way at the time. I saw this right then: I’d gone down a category, but it still didn’t work, it actually seemed like it was causing a lot of unhappiness and self-pity.

N. Hornby. High fidelity, Guanda.

And in short, the PAQ said hello (what does it mean to claim family equality? The children, you and me? Equality in washing floors and dishwasher loads? Patriarchy? The high bar, yes, but where? Are you sure it was a PAQ ?).

I don’t know if you want an answer or a slight shove, in any case we are old enough to know the theory by heart.

A part of the amorous electorate says: a hundred times better to suffer again than to be satisfied. The moderate part instead (they are mostly veterans already beaten by bad luck): you want to take my health in exchange for ten minutes of a roller coaster, but you are crazy, keep them.

Actually m. there is no need to grieve for this indecision. Everything passes, let alone the indecision. This quick, dry breeze that brings you here is the mistral of maturity. After some bangs, we discover those five or six things that cloud life a little but make us human beings worthy of respect and consideration.

We have already talked about the great classics, I copy myself:

1) Elective affinities

According to legend, similar souls would do well to attract each other and stay close, because they will fit their edges into a beautiful Annurca apple.

In short, if we like the same books, the same TV series, despise the same people, vote the same, like the same posts, we have an excellent chance.

The problem with believing elective affinities is that they force you into a challenging theoretical assumption: that humanity is an orderly thing. That there aren’t other Annurca apples around the world.

Everything is explained better if you go off the internet and check the couples you know one by one.

You will realize that the natural question is not whether they have elective affinities or not, it is “but what are these still doing together?”. The answer is a big boh – they don’t even know it.

Love is the miracle that fills the absence of answers to the question “why insist?”.

2) The construction of a love

He said the one that building a love breaks the veins of the hands. Indeed. If he finds them already broken at the beginning, then he has to change workers. The start-up of the company is needed at no cost. We serve happy, lighthearted, a little enthusiastic for the beginning of relationships. Showing up virgins of disappointments, at the beginning of stories, that is the exceptional undertaking.

3) Some are in pairs because they are satisfied

Ideas are clearing up on this point too. With adulthood one discovers that “To be very happy” and “to be satisfied” are two uninhabited villages. The highway in the middle, very busy, is what we call a “couple”.

4) The very long, resistant waits

In offices, in courts, in medical research, in engineering work, even in the kitchen, this is true:

Patience pays off.

In unrequited love, the following applies:

The more time passes, the more the possibilities decrease.

5) We two are different, no one will divide us

You are like the others, like us: you are together as a result of lucky coincidences. Never think of yourself as better, all relationships look alike, everyone handles the softening in their own way.

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