Dealing with feedback: ‘The word ‘but’ is my worst nightmare’ | Work

Nobody likes to be criticized. Or go ahead, I know a few. From those people who think life is a big development party and are always looking for frayed edges of themselves that they can work on. They stand in front of you like boxers: yes, come on, give me another blow! They are exceptions. Most of us feel a lot of stress when feedback is coming.

I always try to avoid criticism. I set the bar incredibly high for myself so that everyone is always happy, or I avoid difficult challenges. Sometimes I only read the first sentence of an e-mail: ‘Nice pass, but…’ Go, spontaneously I close the laptop and start doing some laundry. The word “but” is my worst nightmare. You can learn from mistakes, we always say. Until we ourselves are called on the mat.

If you are to believe evolutionary psychologists, it is all a remnant of the time when we needed a group to survive. On your own it was difficult to protect yourself from dangerous animals and to find enough food. In our society you don’t die if people think you’re stupid. You can still go to the supermarket to get food, even if your manager thinks your schedule could be tighter.

So stop doom-mongering. Someone thinks you haven’t done something right yet, but that doesn’t mean your work is crap. Or worse: that you are a piece of shit. Just like everyone else, you develop a little bit every day. You can learn what you can’t do yet. People usually give feedback because they want to encourage you to go the extra mile. Not to torch you, although it sometimes feels that way.

Your job is to extract information from the conversation that you can use. And what you want to do something with. Because maybe your manager thinks you can handle more customers per hour, but you think it’s important to really hear people. If the other person continues for a long time on where you fell short, then also ask about what did go well. Criticism is a conversation between people, not a “learn to die” lesson for dogs.

Want to know more about psychology and work? Read Chantal’s books Why Perfectionists Are Rarely Happy, 13 Tips Against Perfectionism (2021) and Our Fallible Thinking at Work (2018).

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