THEThe theme may seem specious and confined. But in hindsight it says a lot about what it means to be a parent in 2023. What it’s like to be in America and what it could become in Italy too. The debate on pajama parties has been hot for years in the States but, in recent times, thanks to social networks and TikTok above all, it has become very hot.
The dangers of a sleepover: sugar, alcohol, drugs, weapons
It is one of the symbols of American culture, even cinematographic. But the widespread practice, for children and teenagers, of spending the night with a friend, between chips, films and sleeping bags, is a (new) taboo. Once upon a time they were the only and repeatable occasion for movie marathons, pillow fights, exchanging secrets and little sleep. Today I’m a new topic of parenting confrontation, marked by anxieties for safety, TV schedules to see and not to see, the time in front of the screen, diets and compliance with the rules.
The sleepover is considered by more and more parents dangerous. We worry about the habits of the host family, the presence of sugars, alcohol, drugs and even weapons. A big, gigantic, collective concern.
#NoSleepovers, the hashtag is viral
The debate about #NoSleepovers (English term for sleepovers) began last summer, when the child and adolescent psychiatrist Larry Mitnaul posted a TikTok saying she doesn’t allow her kids to stay at their friends’ houses. The video received more than 1.2 million views. “I was honestly overwhelmed by the amount of people who commented,” he recalls Mitnaul al Wall Street Journal. The subsequent “in depth” video in which he explained the rationale behind his rule was viewed more than 4 million times.
What scares American parents
The hashtag #nosleepover it’s now viral. She says, among others, Caitlin Gibson on the Washington Post. As a mother, like so many mothers, she listened to child psychologists on TikTok, she scrolled through blog posts and searched for newspaper articles. The questions that gripped her like so many parents are always the same. How well do we know other parents? Are there guns in the house? What about alcohol or drugs? What is the risk of exposure to covid? Are there any older brothers around? Will the kids be watching YouTube or TikTok all night? Is it a gathering for girls only or for boys only? What might happen if they stay the night and what might they miss if they don’t?
«They asked me if we have a water filter»
Questions that, punctually, are also asked to parents who dare (still) organize a sleepover, as the designer, and mother of fourteen, Deborah Pagani tells WSJ. They asked her, for example, if her parents smoke, if they will ever leave the house, and if alcohol is under lock and key. But also «if we have a water filterand yes we have it we have. Can you imagine in the 90s what if a parent called to get reassurance about the type of water children drink and the presence of gluten in dinner?».
Anxiety dominates parents and relationships between families
As TikTok fills with parent influencers and psychiatrists exposing the various risks of sleepovers and others attempting to replicate them, Gibson interviewed a clinical psychologist on the subject. Who said she was not at all surprised: over the course of more than 40 years of field experience with families and children, he has seen anxiety constantly creep into parents, and increase, more and more. The pandemic has exacerbated the trend, transforming social interactions between families and making them increasingly dominated by the feeling of risk.
“You don’t want them to endanger themselves. But neither are they afraid.”
The sense of caution among parents was high even before Covid: monitoring their children’s social experiences was already imperative. «It’s a delicate balance», he says «you don’t want to endanger your children. But, on the other hand, you also don’t want them to be excessively afraid of risks. Like trying new things, tolerating a certain level of discomfort, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Knowing how to run is important to move forward in life.
Social media responsibilities
Alvord thinks social media has something to do with this heightened sense of alertness: Being inundated with an overwhelming volume of information and traumatic accounts of potential dangers doesn’t help. The feeling that we live in a dangerous time to raise a child it gives parents plenty of reasons to feel nervous.
“It’s not that all these risks are absolute novelties,” continues the psychologist. “But once upon a time we weren’t so aware of it, people didn’t talk about it.”
Sleepover praise
Alvord, who grew up as the daughter of Armenian immigrants in New York, fondly recalls attending sleepovers as a young girl. A kind of social experience that she can foster a sense of independence and give children a new way of understanding their peers by exposing them to different environments, different foods, different rhythms and routines.
But «Sleepovers are just a way to expand one’s social dimension», assures Alvord. “We should all be sensitive to children who are banned from sleepovers. They shouldn’t feel left out.”
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