THEIn love, opposites attract. At least that’s what they say. But is it really true? The differences are a great enrichment and they should compensate for any personal shortcomings. But what happens when these can be limits for the couple? When do the fundamental values not coincide between the two people?
Couple, the differences: enrichment or obstacle?
Being different within a couple is a great advantage. Having developed your own interests, hobbies and passions, even your own ideas, is fundamental, synonymous with a rich personality. And it is also important for the couple: different points of view, allow you to see the world from a new perspective: «Thanks to differences we grow and learn, but there are some fundamental conditions: respect, tenderness, admiration, curiosity» he explains Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapist.
«Respect is the essential basis for ensuring that differences are a resource. A beautiful love story is a story in which you can feel at home and, for this reason, both partners must feel free to be themselves, without the fear of being judged by the other. If, then, some of these differences are looked at with tenderness or with admiration and gratitude, then they become a real strength and it is easy to let oneself be influenced spontaneously, without experiencing the normal compromises of couple life as a sacrifice or an effort.”
Curiosity, a fundamental piece
This is why “differences” usually go hand in hand with “curiosity” in love, considered by the expert as a a real panacea for the couple, especially when they are just starting out: «When we are in love we would like to know everything about the person we are meeting and we would spend hours and hours listening to them. A benevolent and non-judgmental curiosity allows partners to be themselves and us to learn new ways of being in the world.”
But curiosity is fundamental even when the couple is already consolidated: it is in fact this that, in case of conflict, allows you not to always take your point of view for grantedthinking that it is always the only possible one: «Being curious, when there is a conflict in a couple, means knowing how to listen instead of attacking or becoming defensive, thus enriching one’s point of view».
What if you are too different?
But when instead the differences start to weigh, what happens? «The question should be “How accepting can we be of each other’s differences while remaining curious about each other, rather than judging them?” is what we should ask ourselves in case of doubt. However, starting from one assumption: regardless of age, the two people must have the same values in common». If the values are completely different, perhaps even the opposite, it will be impossible not only to have a conversation and clarification but also to build a story.
«Let me be clear, it’s not that a couple must have a total sharing of values, but the fundamentals cannot be violated. When there is a profound conflict of values, for example two radically different ways of conceiving the education of children, or the relationship with an aging parent, understanding each other becomes difficult because you think you are right and going towards the other is experienced as betraying yourselfan impossible sacrifice to make.”
Underestimate sharing the same values
Yet many people, when they get to know someone, underestimate this aspect. Often, caught up in the euphoria of the moment, they do not realize that the other person has a completely different idea on important issues: «Too much weight is often given to the importance of sharing the same passionscompletely neglecting the fact that what holds a couple together or explodes is the convergence or divergence of basic values. For this reason, infatuation is sometimes confused with love and the stages of love are accelerated, perhaps by moving in together, or by deciding to have a child, without asking whether, with that person, there is a real sharing of values”.
Therefore, one can be from many different points of view but not on fundamental values that «cannot be negotiated. Having respect for differences is healthy, expecting someone to alter what they deeply believe in to be together is not. We should never compromise who we are to be in a relationship» concludes the expert.
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