A few times a year I teach groups of young people. These are regularly students who want to spend an evening thinking about a bright future. And sometimes it concerns young people who are unable to complete an education or find work.
There are many reasons for this inequality. Joris Luyendijk’s ‘check marks’ play a role. Other features, too.
What also strikes me is that some young people, as they approach their twenties, have developed all kinds of habits in their thinking and acting that greatly increase their social opportunities. Daily routines that seem very ordinary, until you realize that the other group is largely lacking them.
A first group of important habits revolves around establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, it helps if you learn to really listen to others. For example, without being distracted by your phone. It is also valuable if you learn to sincerely compliment others for things that they themselves find important. And it helps if you learn to apologize early on. Even with minor mistakes.
There are also habits that make learning easier. Such as: always making sure you clearly know what is expected of you. So you need to know the deadlines for your papers and what it takes to pass a test.
In addition, it is about asking how and why questions, to ensure that you really understand the material on offer. Another: divide work into small portions so that you don’t worry too much and start right away. And – it seems like a no-brainer – take notes, preferably in your own words.
There are also plenty of basic habits that make you more effective at work. One of the most important is getting enough exercise. Also something that young people usually learn without choosing it themselves. Another one: going to bed and getting up at set times. And also: set goals for yourself and keep track of whether you are making progress.
A particularly powerful habit is to regularly reflect on your own behavior by asking yourself questions. Questions such as: what was my expectation or my plan; what really happened; what can I learn from this for next time?
Some young people master all of this when they finish high school. Others have never thought about this.
Many effective habits revolve around delaying immediate gratification. That’s not so crazy. Relationships, study and career are ‘long-term systems’. You can’t bend them with a simple trick, but have to re-invest every day – with your behavior, for a result that often comes weeks, months or years later.
If you learn this as a child, you will do it with less effort as an adult. But if you’re unlucky enough to grow up in an environment where instant gratification is normal, you’re in for a huge challenge when the world around you suddenly starts making serious demands.
A lesson from a well-intentioned fifty-something – if you can tolerate it at all – is not enough.
Ben Tiggelaar writes weekly about personal leadership, work and management.
A version of this article also appeared in the newspaper of May 7, 2022