Qhis time a father wrote to me, Paolo. He sent a long letter that I try to summarize:
Good morning, I wonder if you can also give advice to us parents of a boy who he is no longer a teenager but is already 25 years old. He’s stuck with the university exams for three years now. The faculty is not among the simplest because it deals with Physics, but the choice was uniquely his. He refuses any kind of help and support except the economic one obviously. He is not depressed but just has a problem with himself, we were told by a psychologist who follows him. We try to help him but we’ve been told to leave him alone, to wait for him to find his solution. In the meantime, however, we continue to pay the university fees which have now risen due to the out of course. We have now made a decision: if you don’t prepare at least two exams within a year, you will have to reimburse us for the last year’s fees. We are really exhausted and tired even if personally I would give my life for our only son, I think we were good parents.
Dr. Laura Peltonen answers
Dr. Laura Peltonen.
Dear Paolo, in the meantime, thank you very much for reading my column and writing to me. Generally, it is more mothers who take the initiative to write, even if the problems with adolescents are equally deeply felt by fathers as well.
Teenagers up to 22 years
The age of adolescence can generally be considered up to about 22 years of age, but nothing prevents the use of the Teen Coaching methodology as an aid tool also in the life of older young adults. After all, Coaching is applicable regardless of the person’s age.
Help them create their own future
She writes me that her son goes to the psychologist. Surely it is comforting to know that she does not suffer from depression. As she says she maybe he has “just” a problem with himself. Surely today’s young people are scared, they often don’t know what to do when they grow up, and for this they must be helped to rediscover their passions, they must be helped so that they can begin to create their own life project.
The “demands” of the parents
Certainly at 25 it is necessary for him to take control of his own life and decide what he wants to do. For this it is very important that you parents be strict in demanding who either studies or if he doesn’t want to study he has to look for a job. If he wants to continue “studying without studying” he must at least find an evening or weekend jobto pay his tuition fees.
Parents and teenagers, hard work
You have certainly been good parents. Being a parent is the hardest job in this world. In a sense, one is always wrong. But it is also true that every parent does their best in the situation in which they find themselves. Sometimes children support themselves comfortably in their non-decision, especially if they see that their parents continue to leave them in that situation, continuing to support them financially, for example by paying the university installments even if they don’t study. Or as in the case of one of my clients with a 25-year-old daughter who doesn’t study or work but “demands” that her mother pays both the rent of an apartment and the holidays with friends!
The fear of becoming an adult
Dear Paolo, maybe your child is just afraid to decide what to do, ha fear of having to become an adultto take responsibility for it. Maybe the Physics faculty isn’t the right one for him in the end, and maybe he’s afraid to admit it, given that you’ve been paying tuition fees for years now. That may be right let him stay in search of his solution, but for a limited time though, at some point he needs to decide what he wants to do with his life. And maybe he needs help figuring out what the alternatives.
What kind of person does he want to become?
I would suggest trying to understand him, talking to him, helping him find another solution even if he apparently refuses your help.
In order to make this decision, he must understand what he likes to do, but above all what kind of person he wants to become. How do you see yourself in 5 years? And in 10? How do you imagine your future life? What are his dreams? You parents can always support him by helping him understand what his passions might be, helping him to see and plan his future, asking what would make him happy, but at the same time expecting him to start finding solutions to support himself financially, and to make choices for create his life project to become autonomous. And consequently also happy.
Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching School, one of the Italian pioneers of coaching. In addition to his school, he also founded theItalian Association of Professional Coaches AICP in which I am an active member. For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
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