THE parents age little by little. But often awareness comes suddenly in children, triggered by an injury or illness that shows them, perhaps for the first time, fragile, not eternal and in need of care. It happens, then, that the roles are reversed, in a sort of “maternity in reverse” which modifies the balance of the family nucleus and which can push children to be overly protective.
Children and elderly parents
“The relationship inevitably changes. Not in an emotional sense, but in terms of relationships» explains Dr. Patrizia Taccani, psychologist, trainer and collaborator of AMA Milan, Alzheimer’s Disease Association. «No problem, if the change of pace is gradual. Often, however, it is a critical event that forcefully brings the word old age into the relationship».
Here the matter gets complicated. For the relationship to work it is necessary that the new “balances of power” are accepted by both sides. “Otherwise you’re trapped in what psychiatrist Donald S. Williamson calls “intergenerational intimidation“, the state whereby an adult child still experiences a feeling of dependence on the parent and therefore remains in a subordinate position» continues Taccani. «For everything to go smoothly, the children becoming adults should have fully assumed their own identity, detaching themselves from the dependence of childhood, feeling more like traveling companions than eternal “children”. Also for parents it is emotionally helpful having already recognized this transformation of the relationship with children before becoming elderly, because the upheaval that old age generates resembles that of adolescence when one is looking for one’s own path away from parental directives» highlights the psychologist.
Unsolicited advice, bans, recommendations. There are children of elderly parents who react like this; unleashing a season of strife akin to adolescence
The hidden side of overprotection
The overprotection of the “suddenly” aged parent, therefore tells about love, but also more complex feelings, of which one is not always aware. “The fear of loss emerges first, closely linked to the role of child: it refers to childhood, and is one of the greatest fears of children” explains the specialist.
«Rationally we know that with each passing day the life of the parents gets shorter, and this intimidates both those who have a good relationship with them, and those who have outstanding accounts, requests for emotional compensation and feelings of guilt. Underneath, there is also the foreboding of one’s own death, an essential component of the dynamic. This fear can also lead to estrangementby those children who cannot bear the thought of their own death: it is the other side of overprotection».
Maintain your routine
“In some cases, too much protection can be a sign of selfishness” adds Dr. Marco Trabucchi, President of the Italian Association of Psychogeriatrics. «Recommendations, prohibitions, excessive care betray the need to not want stress or other problems. Protect the elderlylike this, it is equivalent to protecting oneself from any limitations deriving from an illness, or from any other condition linked to the advanced age of the father or mother.
Often anyway it is sincere concern that has the upper hand: young people have no direct experience of what it is to grow old and therefore they always tend to see the most critical sides, they believe that rigor and prevention are necessary, they perceive old age as a disease”.
This can lead to conflicts, even bitter ones. An example? The “prohibition” to continue driving. «If the car is used to go to friends or to the bar for a game of cards, damage is caused that is greater than that of the risk faced by the elderly by driving, because their social activity is reduced. Childcare shouldn’t become a cagebecause it creates frustration, anger, excess dependence.
The social and psychological well-being is no less central than physical well-being: a gentle protection is needed, to avoid making things worse ».
Meet halfway
Being present without taking away autonomy is not easy, you need communication skills and mediation skills. “One must try to find the words to express discomfort with certain parental requests, or vice versa, be able to tell one’s own, be of help and get help,” explains Dr. Taccani. «We need to start a mutual process of clarification on their own limitations and availability. Both, therefore, have the task of saying what is acceptable and what is not.
There are burdens that are too heavy for some, so it is important that certain things are made explicit. However, this does not always happen linearly. If in family history communication has been the great absence, it becomes difficult for it to arrive as adults ».
The gender gap
More often it is the daughters, if any, who take care of the elderly. A patriarchal legacy from which the new generations are freeing themselves, but which sometimes resists, also because parents tend to make them more responsible. However, it is not all so obvious. “It happens that it is the daughters themselves who do not involve the brothers, certain of being able to do everything by themselves» explains Dr. Taccani. On the one hand this absolves the males, authorizing them to withdraw, on the other it represents a sort of revenge.
“The primary caregiver is the one who makes the most important decisions, so the burden of care puts him in a position of power that is inevitably also control.”
Helping aging parents: sharing roles between siblings
Asking for help, however, is essential, although in an equal society it should come naturally, in the name of a real division of roles. The difference between daughters and sons, moreover, in this case does not involve so much the relational level as that of the body. «A mother accepts being touched and cared for by a daughter with less modesty than by a sonjust as it is easier for a father to relate to the son than with the daughter» specifies the specialist.
«Past relationships also affect the decision of who should be the referent, the moment of treatment must be calibrated on what one has been. Never blame a child who cannot support the weight of elderly parents; if there are latent negative feelings, in extreme cases, it can lead to violent conflict. Better to get help or go to a specialized structure ».
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