Carina and Sascha did not stay in Hillegom until the war was over

Carina (36) and her son Sascha (13) were allowed to stay until the end of the war. At least, that was the plan of Arjan Warmerdam, who wanted to help Ukrainian refugees. Grandpa Igor found shelter four hundred meters away. But Carina and Sascha left after thirty days. In the large, detached house in Hillegom, there was a fuss about everything. About how many boiled eggs a child can eat in the morning, and how many cookies in the evening. “I don’t know about you in the past,” says Arjan, “but could you take four donuts and also a whole bar of Toblerone?” About bedtime. About whether you can open a beer at half past one. And if you can say something about it, if you think the answer is no.

When you move into someone else’s house, don’t you adapt a bit?

Arjan Warmerdam does not understand. “If you move into someone else’s house,” he says, “don’t you adjust a bit?”

Arjan, a software entrepreneur, had already arranged a lot for them. Membership of the local football club for Sascha. A gym subscription for Carina. A bicycle, clothes. Arjan could also arrange a job for Carina, all he had to do was call around. He wanted Carina and Sascha to “play along” in the family. A person, he thinks, cannot sit still for long. Then NRC first came by in Hillegom on 7 March, Maaike said: „You can only give love. Heat. A house.”

On the last day of March, Carina and Sascha left. Picked up by an employee of the municipality of Hillegom and taken to a shelter in Leiden, where other Ukrainian refugees also reside. Arjan and Maaike have not spoken to them again.

“They interfered with my child,” says Carina on the phone. “We weren’t allowed to know what we ate, and at what time. That’s not normal is it?”

In more host families things broke down. Because many host families took in refugees even before registration, there are no figures. But municipalities and security regions (responsible for reception) see that Ukrainians are increasingly leaving their host families. Cultural differences, a language barrier or lack of privacy lead to frustration.

A worrying development, according to the security regions. “These refugees have had a difficult road,” said a spokesman for the Brabant-Zuidoost Security Region. “They need rest to give their emotions a place and to feel safe. If they move again, you are going to add a source of stress.”

Do not eat in the bedrooms

In Hillegom, the house rules came into effect in the second week. Arjan and Maaike thought that clearer agreements might help. Arjan takes the document. It reads above: “These house rules are made to make you both feel good about your stay in our house.” At half past ten it must be quiet upstairs. Our food is your food. Do not eat in the bedrooms. Eating is done at the dining table. And without phones, it’s a “easy moment of the day† Stay seated until everyone has finished eating. If you don’t eat along, you cancel. Shower after exercise. Clean clothes are put on every day. “In Ukraine Sascha wears the same shirt all week,” says Arjan. “You can even put on a new shirt twice a day here, if you want.”

“We come from another country, you have to understand that,” says Carina. “Another family cannot follow your rules. That’s difficult. No: impossible.” In Ukraine she had a free life, together with Sascha. She earned her money by renting out a second apartment.

Soon more Ukrainian refugees came to Hillegom. In a shed where tulips are usually bunched, small cabins have been erected where more than a hundred people are accommodated. Arjan drove one more time to the Polish border, to pick up a friend of Carina and her son. He thought it would be nice for her to have friends around. Carina was less and less in the host family. During the day she spent most of the day with her friends in the large shelter.

They told me to go to another place. And I thought: what a relief

Few people realize that people in need “are not grateful and not pleasant after a few days”, wrote former director of an asylum seekers center Danielle Braun in NRC a few weeks ago. “Traumatized children cry and grumble a lot, parents are sometimes apathetic.”

Also read the first article about Arjan, Maaike, Carina and Sascha: Picking up Ukrainian refugees at the Polish border

In the end, Arjan says, “the atmosphere got really grim.” There was an argument about food in the bedroom. Carina screamed that she was a grown woman. She herself decided what she did. “Well, that really pissed Maaike off.” Arjan called the alderman. “We didn’t just put them out on the street, we arranged everything.” The next day Sascha and Carina were picked up. “Sascha was upset. He had his friends here, football, school. But I can’t keep that kid here and send his mom away. It is tough.”

“They said I had to leave, to another place,” says Carina. “And I thought: what a relief.”

Differences in upbringing

Arjan is not sad about the departure either. “It was never a prestige project for us how long we could keep them.” But if he underestimated anything, let it be education. Not everyone gives the same education to their child. It should be the same here at home. You cannot have two camps. But nobody adjusts the education of their child.”

Perhaps, he thinks, taking in “a couple” would have been a better idea. This didn’t work, Arjan says, but it could have worked with someone else, he thinks. “If you put a hundred Dutch people in a row, it doesn’t click with everyone.” He says they “got someone out of the war.” And if that was it, then “that was it.” “We would do it again next time.”

Also read: Igor, 63, already counts to a hundred in Dutch

The new accommodation of Carina and Sascha in Leiden is not large, “but it is comfortable”, they say. They share a room of fourteen square meters, with a closet, two beds, two chairs. “There is also room for the coats.” They share the kitchen and shower with other Ukrainians, though. And Grandpa Igor stayed behind in Hillegom. “But here we have our own rules back,” says Carina. “We can eat what we want to eat, whenever we want.” Sascha still goes to the school that Arjan arranged for him in Lisse, a 45-minute bus ride away. Carina tries to find education for him in Leiden. She now receives 60 euros living allowance per week. “I really have to go to work.”

When Carina woke up on Tuesday morning, she saw that rockets had been fired at Kramatorsk, her city. “And I was so happy to be out of there again.”