My partner doesn’t have a driver’s license, partly because this was previously impossible due to his epilepsy and partly because it was never necessary. We argued about it because it would be nice not to have to drive all the time. It is also useful for emergencies. We agreed that he would get his driver’s license. But due to the arrival of our baby, the waiting lists at the CBR, covid and failing his theory three times, he doesn’t want to anymore. Can I force him to go get it anyway or do I have to accept this?
Woman (33), name known to the editors
Forcing is counterproductive
I’ve been in the same situation. Forcing will backfire. The more well-intentioned arguments, the greater the resistance will become. You don’t have to resign yourself to it, but resign yourself to the fact that you can’t change anything. It must now come from within himself. Tell him again how important this is to you and your family, have him write down the pros and cons of a driver’s license and leave it at that. When the subject comes up, listen carefully, try to understand it and refrain from well-intentioned advice or arguments. Only then will he make it.
Evert-Jan Schouten (34), Nijmegen
Dangerous
A colleague of mine hadn’t had an epileptic seizure for years because of medication when he suddenly had another one behind the wheel. He drove himself into the crash barrier in his father-in-law’s sports car at 120 kilometers per hour. It ended well, but why on earth had he gotten back behind the wheel after all this time? His girlfriend didn’t always want to drive.
Lennard van der Vaart (28), Amsterdam
Force is necessary
A calamity can always occur. I had such an experience abroad, my partner was the only one with a driver’s license and got sick on the road. I walked into the village to a pharmacy. Yet she had to drive the car back to the lodging. That’s why I started taking driving lessons. And that didn’t happen for a while. I’ve been driving for forty years now and during that time there were several occasions where it came in handy. In my opinion, a driver’s license can always be obtained and there is no excuse for that.
Anton Jansen (90), Doesburg
live without a car
Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to embark on an experiment: a life without a car. There is excellent public transport in Dutch cities. Furthermore, a bicycle trailer is a great find for people with a baby and without a car. You can uncouple a bicycle trailer and use it as a pram. The messages in the back. My husband and I have two (now older) children and have never owned a car. That’s possible. We are going on holiday by train. And with regard to emergencies: if there is a real emergency, you call 112. Floor van Dammen (35), Hilversum
Is he scared?
No, you can’t force your husband to get his driver’s license. Sure, it’s easy when he has one, but someone who isn’t motivated has a hard time being forced to learn things. And what you may not realize is that there is a deeper reason why he doesn’t want to drive. Unsuspected fear of driving. Fear of the unknown. Not wanting to ‘fail’ in the eyes of the driving instructor and/or other road users. In my life as a driving instructor I have seen everything pass by. And yes, waiting times at the CBR are long, but you also don’t have enough level to finish in a few weeks.
Krista de Witt (60, driving instructor), Westervoort
In two weeks: What do I do about a humming roommate?
My roommate, who is also a good friend, is a fun, chatty and energetic young man. I can always laugh with him. But when he is in a happy mood, for example when we are working together in the living room, he hums a lot. Lately I’ve been getting more and more annoyed by this, and I don’t really know what to do with it. So far I have not said anything about it, because I find it difficult to limit him in his cheerful personality. He also doesn’t take criticism well. How do I do this?
Man (32), name known to the editors
Our question is: what would you do? Mail your answer (max. 110 words) before Monday 10 October 2022 to: [email protected]. Do you have a dilemma and do you want advice from other readers? Mail your problem (max. 110 words) to: [email protected]. Always state your full name, age and place of residence. The editors reserve the right to shorten contributions.