Marjon no longer has many memories of those days. What she does know is that she wanted to hide most of all. “Just leave it where it is. Then it will turn to stone. That is absurd of course, because it doesn’t work that way at all. But my first reaction was to run away, hide and not come out again.”
It is better for Marjon’s health if she gives birth as soon as possible. And so she goes to the hospital with her partner the next day. “You see on television that women scream and cry very loudly when they give birth. I had agreed with myself; the baby will not cry, so I will not make a beep. You will make all kinds of strange agreements with yourself. So it was a silent birth.”
“I wasn’t quite sure what Boet would look like. Maybe he looked really crazy or deformed. Once he was out, the nurse held him in her hands and asked if I wanted to hold him. Of course I did. .” As soon as Marjon has Boet in her arms, she immediately falls in love. “You know that the baby is not alive, but I went to count his fingers and toes first. I think I also asked the nurse if Boet was all right. Very strange. It’s a bit of a schizophrenic situation. On the one hand you are very sad that he is not alive. On the other hand, mother nature immediately gives you the instinct that you are very proud and happy. It was love at first sight. There were really moments when I was not busy at all I just thought about how beautiful I thought he was. I wanted to dress him up, hold him and show him to everyone. I was so terribly proud.”
Boet goes home with Marjon and her partner after the birth. There he lies in his crib. In that week Marjon can say goodbye to her son. “At first I wanted to hold him all the time, but after a while it feels unnatural to hold a cold baby. At one point I also thought, it should be over. I can’t stretch it any longer.”
The first year and a half after birth, Marjon is, as she puts it, ‘completely out of the world’. In the beginning there is a lot of attention and space for the situation in her environment. “I was lucky that there are people with whom I could talk about it well. At a certain point there are people who say that you have to move on with your life. That you have to give it a place. I understand that. People can I can’t imagine it. It’s a good thing that people can’t imagine it.”