in the series Better Things (Disney+) Single mom Sam comes up with a surprising solution to the ongoing bickering between her daughters: Each child gets one minute to say everything to the other. The youngest daughter Duke (7) takes it: ‘Bitch. Egoist. fish pussy. Pick breath. shit licker. deranged. asshole. asshole.’ The whole family is so shocked at her vocabulary that they laugh. All’s well that ends well. What do you do as a parent when your kids are always arguing?
This is what the experts say
‘Quarrels between brothers and sisters are normal’, says developmental psychologist Kirsten Buist (Utrecht University) and co-author of the book Brothers & sisters: this is how you stimulate a warm bond between your children† ‘Studies show that siblings argue more with each other than with all peers put together.’ These little things in the house have an important function, because in this way children learn how to argue in a safe environment.
In young children, conflicts are often about things or attention, says Buist. ‘With older children, the fights often revolve around the need for personal space, for example an adolescent who does not want a younger brother in his room.’
Why is there more often bonje in one family than in another? ‘You can also just be unlucky,’ says Buist. Whether siblings can get through the same door has to do with personality and temperament, among other things. The gender of the children also plays a role. ‘Sisters more often have a warm and harmonious relationship with each other than brothers.’
Research shows that the eldest child in particular leaves a mark on the bond with a younger sibling. ‘If the eldest is easygoing and calm and the youngest is flamboyant, then the elder’s temperament compensates for the youngest’s irritability. You don’t see that effect the other way around,’ says the developmental psychologist.
That’s how you do it
‘You know your child’s instructions like no other’, says Buist. “One is a bit thicker than the other.” Study carefully what the arguments are about and look for communal activities that do go well. ‘My children don’t have many of the same hobbies, but when they were younger they liked to play in such an indoor play paradise,’ says the psychologist. ‘I thought that was hell, but we went anyway so that they played together. That’s how you build in positive moments.’
In the book I don’t care who started it! pedagogue Eva Bronsveld and writer Elsbeth Teeling give parents concrete tips on how to help their children resolve (and also prevent) quarrels. They recommend a three-part step-by-step plan: comfort, discover what everyone wants and make plans. According to the pair, parents tend to want to resolve the situation as quickly as possible. They decide who is right or propose a logical middle ground. This often backfires. ‘The child who is instructed to do something by you is completely against it and before you know it your child is not only arguing with his brother or sister, but also with you.’
It is important to first give space to all emotions. It is not about the facts, but about the experience behind the quarrel, write Bronsveld and Teeling. ‘As a parent you are not a police officer or judge who has to find out the truth.’
Sometimes you as a parent cannot muster such a pedagogically sound approach. Because the situation is not right or because you are stressed yourself. What then? In I don’t care who started it! humor is used as a lifeline, for example by grossly exaggerating the situation: ‘Oh, no. Help; You both wanted to get in first. What a terrible situation. How should this be now?’ Or, as a parent, pretend to join the fight: ‘No, I want the pink cup today! You always get the pink cup, today it’s my turn.’
Let’s see how the bickering couple reacts.