Sjoerd: “Last week we celebrated the children’s party of Jurgen, the youngest. With ten children we went to Jump XL in Hengelo, such a trampoline jumping paradise. It was funny to see how the kids really rushed in and came out all sweaty and exhausted an hour and a half later.
“It was a memorable moment. Not only because this was another children’s party after two years of corona, but also because I organized it together with the children’s mother. For example, she helped drive to the location and had found a group discount code in advance and forwarded it to me. I could not have imagined that a year ago.
“We met in 2008. We got married in 2010 and officially divorced in 2016. After the birth of the second, she suffered from serious psychological problems. She became more and more wayward, was manic, actually no longer lived in reality. As a result, we got into more fights, which only exacerbated her complaints – a downward spiral. The tricky part was that she wouldn’t acknowledge what she had; she didn’t want help or medication. That is how the breakup came about. The kids were 4 and 6 at the time.
Removed from home
“I could live in a small apartment in Enschede, work in Doetinchem, an hour away, and have full care of the boys. The mother did not agree that she was deprived of the care of the children. The children were even officially removed from her home and she was banned from school, which she did not always comply with. The police came in a few times. On survival mode I got through that time; survive, keep believing in yourself and don’t lose heart. I also received guidance from the GGZ.
“At my work in Doetinchem, they also saw that this was unsustainable, so I could go to an outplacement agency through them. That helped me look for a new job closer to home. I also started looking for another home. That eventually became this social rental home in the center of Enschede; a lottery ticket! I receive housing benefit here, the youngest’s school is around the corner and many friends live nearby. Moreover, it is a well-insulated new-build house with solar panels on the roof; also nice with these energy prices.
“It has been a lot better for the past year and a half. In the end, the mother accepted help; she now lives assisted and is on medication. There are appointments to be made with her again – and so a children’s party can be organized with her. The boys now visit her every Wednesday afternoon and one weekend every two weeks. They like being there. It also gives me some time to myself. More freedom, more air. Last summer I was even able to make a group trip, a week to Rome. The boys spent some days with their mother and the other days with my father. That space is there again was a moment of happiness.
“We are close, the boys and I. That’s what you get when you’re a single-parent family. Although I have also clashed a lot with the eldest. Because of everything he’s been through, he wasn’t feeling well. He also suffers from dyslexia and is therefore in special primary education. He was in a crowded class with many other kids with ‘backpacks’. A year ago he went to another school, where it is small and nice. Since then it’s been a lot better. Next year he will go to a regular high school; a nice VMBO green school nearby.
Social sports
“A while ago I heard through an acquaintance of an Israeli self-defense sport that they teach here in Enschede: krav maga. It is mainly about standing up for yourself and working together: that seemed like something Sebas would do. He could use that a bit. Eventually Jurgen also wanted to participate and in the meantime I have been taking lessons there myself for a while. I also swim once a week, but that is quite solitary. This is more of a social sport.
“And yes, the boys also play a lot – as boys of that age do. But when I read that ‘the youth of today’ no longer plays outside, I think: that is a bit exaggerated.
“I myself went to secondary forestry school in Velp after secondary school. You also learned technical drawing there and through a job at a consultancy firm I eventually ended up in IT. Now I work as an application manager at Maintenance Enschede; a semi-government organization that keeps track of all roads, sewers, green spaces and cemeteries of the city. I make sure that the central maintenance system runs smoothly and I make geographical maps based on data, but I also advise on planning and how we can organize things more easily and efficiently. Just IT work would be too abstract for me. Through the consultancy work I also contribute something more tangible.
“I work thirty hours a week and have had a permanent contract for three years. That gives peace. All in all, things are better balanced. I have time to exercise more and to read books and magazines; like now with a trial subscription to the history magazine History. I even have a… well, sort of a relationship. It’s still early, but it’s a lot of fun. She lives in Almelo and is in the same family situation as me. We now meet regularly on Sundays. That may have potential.”