CHi Esther.
I’m A., middle-aged and good-looking, very dynamic with a pleasant job and constantly looking for life projects. In my defense, as far as I’m telling you, I’m there many premature deaths: father, mother, sister.
After several psychological therapies finally it turns out that in general the men encountered, not only romantically, during the course of life have caused damage. My need for love probably always spilled over to emotional vampires
15 year marriage with simple and ordinary man but also a little selfish, immature and unaffective. And then the meeting with him which couldn’t have been worse but which I managed give up only after 10 years when I felt I was starting to lose self-esteem. Him who, by mistake, I loved more than myself. He who I wanted to save from his pathologies and addictions forgetting to save myself and in the meantime I was raising 2 sons with effort and joy, experiencing a duality between reason and feeling which often caused heavy crises.
He who he cheated me, he deceived me, it hurt and used but it transmitted life energy to me.
Now I find myself again with my ordinary husband, perhaps a little less selfish, perhaps a little less affectionless.
Esther what do I want? Just knowing how do you feel that energy again, how do you still feel brilliant? How do you do Ester in those days when you feel dull and your soul feels torn?
How do you do it when you want to rip the memories out of your head and you miss everything, mainly you miss yourself.
How you do it?
Thanks Esther
So here we are, A., telling each other the same things, things we’ve already known for twenty years.
The starting postulate is that in the midst of a broken marriage, the usual guy who wants you and doesn’t want you has appeared. Waiting for the call, the appointment and the undressing, you name it: energy. It’s really just that you found something to do while everything is going way, way too well. It is that state of grace around the age of 40-45 in which work is stable, profitable and not subject to fluctuations in satisfaction (VAT number) or Jobs Act and the now grown children do their own thing.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear,
Let’s start without originality, therefore. We already said about the sum division:
1) Marriage, the stable couple. Mosceria
We break down, a lot. Soundly. You don’t even remember the first happy times anymore, so much so that every now and then you wonder if you dreamed them.
Not only is it normal, but it gets worse over time: “why is love always accompanied by a faint buzz of hate? A friend once wrote to me in an email, paraphrasing someone. I don’t remember if Alice Munro or Lydia Davis” says Valeria Luiselli.
If in this vast barren and dry tundra there remains a blade of grass, a gust of oxygen, a desire not to let go and no one knows where it comes from, I call that love. First doesn’t count. Love is the answer to when they ask “how do those who resist resist?”. In short, it is a strength, not a happiness. For everything else there is Instagram, for those who believe in it.
2) Outside marriage, stable couples, neurotic love, adrenaline rushes
Thank the cuckolds when you find love again. Ah, the secret feeling, how beautiful it is. Tachycardia, clandestine crying, running to the bathroom to answer secret chats, sleepless nights, brief priceless happiness stolen from executive spouses. The title in the sentimental stock market is very high.
If it weren’t for the fact that every new love is just an old love in disguise, and the male griffin and trafficker has known this for three thousand years, the female less so, see why they bury their lovers and don’t leave their wives, because it’s all the same, then we would have to start with the other and start cheating on her too, what a mess, let’s leave everything as it is.
Bad relationships? a form of happiness, but…
One form of happiness would be peace – and you already have it. Except that peace is a smooth, firm, immobile thing. That’s why it’s called peace, because no one plays tricks. And one, defying all the gods, says: how disgusting.
I know people who ruin entire lives for fifty brand new grams of happiness. Which then become old six months later. You A. have gambled everything and have lost nothing, except this hot half-lover who will call back in a couple of months, like everyone else. I don’t know if you understood what a stroke of luck
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