Cplow Esther,
I am a 32 year old woman who Unfortunately suffers of emotional dependence, fear of rejection and abandonment and anxious attachmentall due to the absence of my father who left the family when I was 18.
I was the eldest daughter with whom he had a deeper relationship, when I was little he didn’t let me lack anything and filled me with attention (naturally superficial, made up of material goods and not real affection, not being an empathetic person but rather focused on himself same).
Unlike my father, I am a very empathetic person and in the past – between the ages of 26 and 28 – I had two dates lasting a few months with narcissistic boys of my age. Both had abruptly stopped dating, only to return after a few months of silence pretending to apologize.
Needless to say, I relapsed in both cases, and within a few weeks they both got tired of it, and after furious arguments they cut all ties with me, both in real and virtual life.
At the time I wasn’t aware of the sick dynamic I had gotten into – narcissistic/empathic relationship so to speak – but nowadays, three and a half years later, I’ve relapsed.
A month ago I started feeling it with a 36 year old “man” for whom I immediately felt a strong attraction, reciprocated, who immediately filled me with attention (he always wanted to see me, messages at all hours, phone calls, likes… in short “love bombing”). I confess that all this pleased me, but at the same time it made me quite uncomfortable, perhaps because in reality I was aware of the fact that anyone who behaves in this way too soon is a disturbed and toxic person. Needless to say, he hadn’t told me what kind of relationship he wanted, apparently it seemed like we were dating (we saw each other three times for a week and there was a lot of passion)but he didn’t want to tell me if he was seeing/seeing others (bad sign).
Not feeling safe, I had decided to wait a little longer before giving myself sexually, I wanted to study his behavior better. When after a week of going out there was an opportunity and I didn’t give in (or rather I blocked myself and interrupted her erection), his reaction was almost “violent”: he appeared frustrated, annoyed, aggressive, not at all understanding and totally devoid of empathyto the point of confessing to myself “I don’t know how to love, I would only hurt you, you must be aware that I am a toxic person”.
Although I didn’t like his behavior that evening, my mistake was that from the next day I had a sort of anxiety about pleasing him at all costs, fear that he was tired of me and the desire to go to bed with him… and I didn’t disappear. For two/three days, seeing that he wasn’t looking for me, I looked for him first and, although I noticed a greater coldness towards me, in words he still seemed interestedas if he had pretended nothing had happened, since he had asked me to meet again and I repliedto my messages… but it was enough not to write to him for a whole day to understand that instead he had “devalued” me, he was already bored seeing me as fragile emotively and not available to go to bed with him right away.
This It made me so angry that I decided to end it via textmaking him point out his immaturity in disappearing and the total lack of respect towards me.
Obviously, in feeling criticized, he placed all the blame on me (“I just walked away to think better, but if you already see all these flaws it means you understand that I’m not the right one”), making me doubt my decision… and in fact two days later I returned to him, I indulged myself and for a few days things seemed to improve (we went out together and revealed our relationship even in front of both of our friends). However, a few days after the last outing he told me that he was confused, that he was embarrassed, that he didn’t want to disrespect me… in short, he wanted to dump me without even having the courage to do it properly.
So I went away for a few days (obviously he didn’t look for me) but I made sure to end up at an evening where I knew he would be present. During that evening he was nice and kind to me, but in the end, before leaving, he dumped me without too many compliments, telling me that in his opinion I was too involved. emotionally in the relationship and that it couldn’t continue because an unhealthy dynamic would be established.
Wrongly, I tried to reason with him and convince him to continue, and the absurd thing is that although he rejected the idea (“we can’t continue, I have to protect you from me who is toxic and would only hurt you”)when we saw each other alone the next day, the effusions between us continued, so it continued to be very contradictory (in words he said “I don’t want you” but in reality he looked at me with lustful eyes, he kissed me, hugged and caressed me, but without coming to bed with me).
When the day after our last meeting I wrote to him proposing that we meet he responded very harshly: “In light of the discussion we had yesterday, it is better that we do not hear or see each other for some time.”
I would have to be compliant to keep my dignity intact and displace him, and instead, once again I insisted, trying to make him change his mind and he was even harsher and categorical with me.
Therefore I haven’t seen or heard from him for a few days, I’m angry with myself for having played his game and I would feel too humiliated to write to him, I don’t want to make a fool of myself or get blocked on social media (he didn’t block me on whatsapp, instagram etc, but he just stopped looking at my instagram stories probably because he’s angry after I called him a pathological narcissistor maybe this is a way to punish me and make me believe that he doesn’t care about me).
The point is that I know well that I am a victim (aware one though) and that the narcissist doesn’t care about me., if not as a source of supply. I also suspect that he has found another victim to focus on, because from what I know it is difficult for a narcissist to shut down.
Nevertheless, I would really like to know if he will come back, even if only to understand if he still has a hold on me, considering the other two narcissists I’ve had have both returned. And I would like him to do it too, because this time I would repay him and I would feel enormous satisfaction.
My question is: he may have truly shut down after being exposed (taking into account that it revealed itself almost immediately for what it is) or is this just a phase of distancingof no contact to punish me and to come back when he realizes – still having my social and telephone contacts and knowing that we frequent the same environments and people – that I am no longer dependent on him?
I apologize for being long-winded, but it’s as if by writing to you I had done a sort of self-analysis.
Thank you,
F.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear F.,
among the various youthful fixations on which I racked my brain, and on which I still reflect, there is whether there is a method, or a school, or a set of circumstances (sufferings? Lineage? Family wealth? beauty?) that make some people more suitable to be wanted, to wait, to call. In short, privileged people, those who seem to have written in destiny: love me!
They succeed effortlessly, at least that’s how it seemed to me at first. They have a talent, a skill, a disinterest that becomes a leash.
I then learned the hard way that there are people of the other type, people like bills of exchange, like boulders. And without being too surprised: there is no queue to get them.
These latter have to learn that love cannot bear the weight of interest, cannot bear in-depth analysis, introspection, questions. Love can’t stand anything, especially too much love given away. Excuse us Calvino if we still abuse your lightness.
In American Lessonsand it reads: I soon realized that between the facts of life that should have been my raw material and the snappy and cutting agility that I wanted to animate my writing there was a gap that was costing me more and more effort to overcome. Perhaps I was only then discovering the heaviness, the inertia, the opacity of the world: qualities that immediately attach themselves to writing, if one cannot find a way to escape them.
And it’s not just about writing. The heaviness sticks everywhere, so before you know it you have become ballast.
Valeria was my muse, my favorite high school friend. She was so pretty, so vain, so hateable. She exploited all the potential. But it was clear that it wasn’t about that: she had a crowd of admirers, good boyfriends who all took turns with little consideration, the success of Valeria’s sentimental operations was written on her face, in her clothes, in how she moved in the corridors. You wanted some, of what Valeria had – without even knowing well that she was her.
So what was it? It was a particular endowment of character. A never needing to overdo it. Ask. To peep.
So the alternatives – theoretical, obviously – boil down to these: either they will love you for who you are (beautiful, and in that case they will forgive you everything) or they will love you for the air you bring into the room.
So – you ask – where is the mistake? Why do I end up with these neurotic subjects? Who are Darwin’s winners? The light ones? The strongest? The ones who don’t want us? Those who don’t care too much about love? The independents? The always happy? Valeria? Even finding a way to know, F., is of little use.
Once I don’t remember in which book I found this sentence: Seductresses have a sense of proportion. See if it tells you anything.
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