““Why do I always fall in love with the wrong person?“. It is a phrase felt many times, especially by those who have been single for a while: the” ability “, certainly not so positive, to attract wrong people in love. But what’s true in this situation? Is it just a perception or in fact this “dowry” is more true than ever and takes refuge too often in the same kind of person?
Attract wrong people: what’s right?
“Very often It is not just a perception but rather of deep dynamics that belong to usbut not for this they represent the only possibility of bond. Often it happens to have the feeling of always attracting “wrong people”, it happens because there may be psychological movements that act unconsciously. It is important to underline how Behind our way of living relationships there is a deep impulse, linked to inner dynamics»Explains the Dr. Chiara Varano, psychologist and psychotherapist with cognitive-year-old orientationalso available on myodottore.
In other words, this impression is often much more true than you want. The reason? Have a second chance. That is, if you lived unstable, distant or unavailable love and therefore it ended badly, you have the tendency to seek the same situation thinking and hoping that the outcome can change: «It is a job that It happens on an unconscious level, very often the mind is not aware of the fact that we are reliving a situation very similar to the previous one ».
What is hiding behind this behavior
Charm for certain situations aside, very often behind the always attractive people are wrong people are found more complex and profound mechanisms and above all an early experience that influences the present and the future. Everything has in fact Origin during childhood: «The first experiences with parents shape our way of relating. Growing, we tend to reproduce those same schemes in choosing the partner, looking for similar people or on the contrary very different from those who cared for us “explains the expert who continues” the reasons behind these choices can be numerous like the need to be an unconscious to try, within these new bonds, to repair something that has to do with our past. That is to say We choose similar partners in the hope that “this time it can go differently“And so, instead of healing, we continue to hurt us in the same way».
In short, there is a tendency to think that “this time it will go differently” and therefore to want to “redeem” the previous situation, but it is not so. Precisely because, as the expert explains, already The experiences experienced by children contribute to forming their future attitude, as if to write a sort of “inner script” Which directs the choices and decisions undertaken: «This script is linked to the style of attachment that we have developed with the main reference figures: safe, avoidance, ambivalent or disorganized. These are models that we learned very soon, observing how adults around us were loved or wounded. These schemes are imprinted in emotional memory and, growing, we tend to repeat them and Without realizing it, we can find ourselves attracted by people who awaken these family sensations, even if not necessarily positive».
How to get out of this scheme?
Become Aware that you are following a scheme is the first real step to get out of it. Just as it is important to realize that These attitudes led us to wounds and insecurities that it is right to overcome and go further.
«Recognize the relational dynamics that tend to repeat and Identifying the emotions that start in those situations is essential to break this chain. A psychotherapeutic journey can certainly help make sense of what has lived, distinguishing the real needs from those learned in the past and learning to choose partners not moved by our wounds but from an authentic desire “explains the expert who, however, recommends that you patience In these cases, because, after realizing the limits of a certain attitude, already not easy in itself, it is necessary Discover one’s needs and limits to build more enhanced and protected relationships. It is therefore essential to know each other really and deeply.
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