Asking for help: 10 tips to make it easier

We are only too happy to help someone else, but asking for help yourself is a bit more difficult for many people. And that while there is a lot of power in indicating that you need someone’s help.

MamAmersfoort, that’s what the Amersfoortse Marlies Tjarks (49) is called. She cooks and bakes for those who need it or can’t do it herself, transports the elderly during a day out, gives chair massages, babysits and works in a community center, just to name a few. So Marlies is happy to help a lot. If she needs help herself, that turns out to be a lot more difficult. “I’m struggling with my health, so I can’t work. That is why I love to help so much, it ensures that I get out of my house and helping others makes me feel good. But sometimes my fibromyalgia hurts me so much that I can’t move forward or backward. Do I ask for help? I find that very difficult. Recently I crossed a huge threshold by asking for help via social media. I can’t throw anything away, but if I do it with someone, it’s easier. Many people offered their help. I recognize that, because I would immediately do something like that for someone else. However, I have not appealed to anyone. For me, it’s all about wanting yourself firmly ingrained. Shame also plays a role, I find it difficult to admit that I cannot make it myself.”

excuses

Asking for help from others can feel like you are weak. And what if someone who doesn’t dare to say no reluctantly starts working for you? Moreover, many people think that they can do the job that has to be done just a little better and faster than someone else. Psychologist Ellen Huijsmans hears all arguments not to ask for help in her practice. First and foremost: I am independent and do not need anyone. “In the 1970s, women fought for independence,” she says. “That worked out well, girls today know that it is important to be independent. It’s also good to be able to shell your own beans, but we may have gone a bit too far. Qualities such as perseverance, perseverance and achievement are now valued more highly than the need to lean on someone else. While it’s not weak at all to be vulnerable and admit that you can’t make it on your own for a while.”

in her show The call to courage and in her bestseller The power of vulnerability American social work professor Brené Brown advocates showing your soft, helpless side as well. It’s not so much the questioning itself that makes it difficult, but what lies beneath it: the fear of being vulnerable and appearing weak. “We admire people who do things all by themselves and find it difficult to ask for help, let alone admit we can’t do it alone,” Brown said. “Asking for help means that you are vulnerable and you can be rejected. But as much as we want to believe that we don’t need anyone, we can’t live without others. We all need connection.”

Special bond

Connection, Mariska (53) unexpectedly had to deal with when she needed help after a major operation. “After a tough procedure, I was not allowed to do anything for six weeks, not even drain a pan of potatoes. The youngest was 3, the oldest 10 and we received no help from authorities, because household tasks are postponed care. My husband could grant this after work, if he had to be there for me and the children too. Not so. There were plenty of people who offered their help, but I found it difficult to respond. Did they mean it? And I hated that others could see that I was at my most vulnerable. But I have to. Two friends offered to arrange help for me. They made a schedule for all the people who offered to do something for me. They cooked for me, did the laundry and one day a mother from school was in my kitchen cleaning the fridge. Very nice, but still difficult. Until a neighbor thanked me with the legendary words: ‘I feel so sorry for you and I feel so powerless. Very selfish perhaps, but I love being able to do something for you.’ Because of what she said, it suddenly felt balanced to me. She left us with a nice feeling, and I sat on the couch with a nice feeling. A big win-win. The great thing is that I still have a special bond with all the helpers from then. They were there for us, which gives a kind of security. I also think it’s a powerful message for our children: you don’t have to do everything alone. To ask is also to give something: the opportunity to help.”

Ledger

‘For what belongs what’ does not apply to asking for help, according to psychologist Ellen Huijsmans. “People often think from an emotional cash book: if you do something for me, I’ll do something for you, otherwise it won’t work anymore. That can sometimes be quite uncomfortable for the person who helps. He or she is not there for you to get something in return, but because he or she wants to give you something. Of course it is nice to ask someone for dinner who has been working with you for a day, but it is not necessary. With sincere gratitude you also give a helper something beautiful. It is an essential part of asking for help, because it is not obvious that people will do something for you. If they get that feeling, things will go wrong.”

A more intense contact with people who are committed to us, the feeling that we are not alone, a faster recovery because others do chores so that we do not become overloaded, that is what can help. Asking for help is a signal that we trust others, how nice is that? Those who do not ask for help are alone carrying a burden that could well have been shared. Moreover, you deprive others of the opportunity to help, even if they want to. Conclusion: without help, everyone is worse off.