dto “Too much is asked of you” to “He doesn’t greet you”, passing through “He doesn’t listen to you” and “He never stands still”. There are 99 reasons why, to you parent “it seems right to get angry”. This is supported by the counselor and mother of three Alli Beltrame, who collects them in her manual (but it is even more) useful and fun Get angry for good. How to turn anger into an educational superpower (Mondadori).
Alli Beltrame, author of Arrabbiati per bene (Mondadori). Photo Matteo Scarpellini.
But let’s start with a consideration. What is anger? «Like any emotion, anger by itself does not have a positive or negative value, unless it turns into aggression. But if managed assertively, anger allows us to find the strength to make a change that will make us feel better. However, often at the basis of the nervous breakdown there is a perceptive misunderstanding, or rather we do not realize that children are, precisely, children.
«Children have not developed the part of the brain for neuroregulation. It means that their tantrums depend not on education or parents but on age. If your child throws a terrible tantrum because her favorite T-shirt is in the washing machine and he wants it right away, it’s because he doesn’t understand its meaning and timing. He will understand them later », continues the author.
Alli Beltrame: «If you insist on scolding, you undermine your children’s self-esteem»
But scolding can be a boomerang: «If you yell at him and make him suffer, it’s wrong to think he won’t do the thing he’s scolded for again. Conversely, only a lovingly guided child will understand the meaning of the rules. If, on the other hand, you insist on scolding, the only effect will be to undermine the self-esteem of the child, who will feel wrong”.
The cover of Alli Beltrame’s book.
The reality is that the parent has to do a job on himself, and grow up with his son or daughter. «First of all, recognize that sometimes there are misunderstandings, and that you can let them go. Then, be hooked into the present: if a child does this at the age of 3, it is by no means certain that he will do it at 18. The children grow up anyway. We must offer unconditional love and presence. To say: whatever you are is fine, whatever you do is not always». Alli Beltrame gives an example starting from his personal experience: «My children are reckless. I certainly can’t force them to scream at their books all day. I can only accompany them.”
You have to stay one step side by side
The basic advice is clear: «With children you need to stay one step side by side. Not in front to pull, not behind to push. With the adolescents, one step at the side but at a distance, so as not to invade their field. We parents are always in a hurry to see our independent children. Then when they are, we ask them to get involved. You have to start your work earlier, because it is in childhood that values are built. How can we ask children to be respectful of adults if we move them like packages without asking their permission? Rudeness is a matter of perception”.
In conclusion, «It is the adult who can improve, working on himself to become mature and become an adult. If a parent is charismatic, children trust him. On the children, it will have the effect of a pop star.’
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