SI’m Barbara, mother of Diego 13 years old. I’m very worried about him, in the past he has always worked hard for school but in this last year he has had a problem significant decline in study and consequently in the votes. I’m desperate, I don’t know what to do. I don’t expect the best even though I have always been very demanding about school progress.
But now I don’t care about votes anymore, I want you to study at least the minimum so you don’t fail. But he is only interested in video games And we argue heavilyand every time I point it out to him. I’m thinking about letting him do some sports because in my opinion he has so much anger that he can’t let it out, maybe one would be good for him.
Laura Peltonen’s response
Dear Barbara, thank you for your letter. You have expressed the problem that affects many mothers, believe me I receive dozens of letters just on the topic of school performance which worries the majority of parents. Especially us mothers feel in anxiety, we are tired of constant arguments, frustrated because our children don’t listen to us. We will talk inadequate because they don’t behave as we would like. We have guilt feelings, we are afraid of not being good enough as mothers. We are afraid that our children won’t love us like they used to.
Adolescents and school: a difficult relationship
The first thing I would like to tell you is that it is normal for teenagers to lose interest in school at a certain point. Especially if up to that moment you have experienced studying and above all grades as a duty and perhaps even a means of obtaining parental approval and admiration. Many parents are demanding (only) about school progress, without thinking that the son is much more, he is not just a student.
Teenagers: where do the limits come in?
We obviously do it for his own good, every parent wants the best for their child. But we don’t realize that the best in him can come from something else, not necessarily, or at least not only, his academic achievement. In the age of adolescence, however, it is physiological that the child begins to rebel, to search for his own identity, above all to clash with his parents, not to listen, not to study. He has to try as far as he can go, trying to understand where the limits are. It’s not because he doesn’t love us anymore or because we aren’t good parents.
We must make our children responsible
At this stage you can try the technique of not talking about school for a couple of weeks and concentrating on something else. Parents are always surprised by this suggestion, they ask me “but how do I do it, what do I talk about, and how will the school go if I don’t take care of it?”. Meanwhile it is the child who must take care of the school, not the parent. We must make these children responsible, if they don’t study they will get bad grades and maybe they will fail. Amen. Maybe he needs the failure to grow. In theory, every student should be able to carry out the tasks assigned to them at school, and if they find themselves in difficulty they can always ask their teachers, professors and classmates for help. We parents shouldn’t take care of homework, unless the child asks for it himself help from us.
Help them manage time
We can certainly establish rules, even regarding homework, to help them manage time. We can set times for homework and times for leisure. However, it is important to involve him himself in defining the rules. If a teenage child participates in setting the rules, he or she is more likely to respect them.
Let’s shift the focus to their qualities
But if we shift our attention away from school, what do we talk about with our children? Here we must seek the answer to this question in our children, in their interests. We focus on their qualities, we ask them to tell us about their interests. In your specific case Barbara Surprise your child by asking him to teach you how to play video games and play with him. Suggest other activities that he likes, do pleasant things together. And only you who know your child will know what they are. What did he like to do as a child?
Sports yes, but only if he likes it
Sport can certainly be an outlet for a teenager, and in any case it can be good for your health. But I’m sure you didn’t express yourself as you would have liked by saying “put him in some sport”. Is there any sport he likes? Are you used to doing physical activity in your family? Has he ever tried any sport? There are many alternative activities to do, alone (running, swimming,…) or in groups (basketball, football,…), it depends on what interests him and if he is more predisposed to activities as an individual or in a team. But the fundamental thing is to understand what he would like. If he has never shown interest in some sport it may be difficult and even counterproductive to “get him” to do it.
Adolescents and anger: what upsets them?
If he has as much anger inside as you say, sport doesn’t necessarily help him to bring it out, or rather to resolve the cause of his anger. Try to understand what is bothering himwhat are your problems, where does his anger come from? Be ready to listen to it without judgment and without trying to say what he should do. Just try to show that you want to be there for him, that you want to understand his emotional state and be supportive. And if he opens up to you, don’t immediately run for cover by suggesting what he should do, instead ask him how he feels about it, and how he would solve or would like to solve the problem.
Parents’ judgment
Generally, children don’t tell us about their thoughts because they fear being judged, they fear disappointing us, they fear not being understood. And here is our challenge as parents, to make them understand that we are there, available to listen to them, putting our thoughts and worries aside. And if in the end they tell us they do so because they would like to be listened to, understood, welcomed, understood, but not necessarily advised what in our opinion they should do.
Doctor Laura Peltonen.
Who is Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s School of Humanistic Coachingone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching”.
For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
Read all the articles on Laura Peltonen’s adolescence here
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