Mother: “My ex and I share the care of our two sons (15 and 12 years), one week they are with me, the next week with him. We live close to each other and in between the boys also cycle back and forth, for example to pick up something. During the week that the children are with me, my ex is elsewhere for his work, so his house is empty. Now he plans to rent it out through Airbnb. He has already told the boys that and told them that they can earn something extra by helping with cleaning up. The youngest actually finds it annoying that someone goes to sleep in his bed and touches his toys, but he gets over it because he can earn something with it. I wonder whether it is wise to make one house inaccessible part of the time in the already precarious situation with divorced parents (we are on good terms with each other). Doesn’t that feel unsafe?”
Guarantee continuity
Liesbeth Groenhuijsen: “This father indirectly lets it be known that he puts money first. I would start by asking the children if they think this is a good idea and listening carefully to them. Every child is different, what fits and what doesn’t should be weighed per child. But all children need emotional security. A place that feels, smells and sounds like home plays an important role in this.
“Everyone says we can easily ask children to live in two houses, but we never ask them. A divorce requires everything necessary, including commuting, which is why we have to be extra careful with that ‘home’. If the rooms are no longer accessible half the time, the child knows that a stranger is sleeping in his bed and is touching his things, the continuity of that home feeling can be compromised. There is a greater chance that they will no longer experience the house as home and that they will prefer their mother’s home to their father’s. The relationship, so carefully maintained in the years before, can still be damaged as a result.”
Give a say
Zoe Rejaan: „The material setting can be important for you to feel at home somewhere as a child. Ideally, therefore, the father should involve his children: do they agree, and if so, under what conditions? Can the house always be rented out, or not? Does it matter to whom? Where can they safely store their personal belongings? And how should the rooms be left? It is good to always evaluate what they thought of it afterwards.
“Maybe there is financial necessity here. Many households are now on the brink of water, especially among people who have to pay all costs alone. Maybe this is the only way to keep the house close to their mother? In that case, father can share something about the real reason. You don’t have to saddle children with adult problems, but it does determine the framework within which the children have a say. Encourage them to always express their opinion, so that you prevent them from keeping their mouth shut out of loyalty. Mother can support both the children and father in this.”
Zoe Rejaan is a remedial educationalist and researcher at Utrecht University and is doing his PhD on the feeling of home among young people after a divorce. Liesbeth Groenhuijsen is a clinical educator specialized in divorce. She recently published Jurisprudence – Crooked Speech. Deciding on children after divorce.
A version of this article also appeared in the newspaper of September 13, 2022