“How do I share my perspective on my son’s career?”

Father: “My 23 -year -old son (in rooms from the age of eighteen) almost completes his studies. I understand that we have just reached the end of the upbringing, but I doubt whether I should contribute my perspective again. Many fellow students go for the big money; Employers are apparently eager for the qualities of these students. My son, who graduates in computer science, also does not seem insensitive to this. As a father, of course, I think he should make his own choices, but somewhere I also think it’s a bit poor, that ogly for money. I would rather see that he is ‘meaningful busy in the world’ heavier than money. I think this would be better for both him and the world. The tension is for me that I do not want my opinion to be more important than his freedom of choice, while I would still like to contribute my perspective. Only how? We don’t talk together very easily, but it is possible. My wife and I have been involved with our four children, but he has had his own life for years. ”

Open conversation

Leo Molenaar: “It’s great that your son has found a topic that apparently interests him so that he has almost completed his master. I read that you are introducing a divorce between ‘the big money’ and ‘being meaningful in the world’. Are those real contradictions? That could be a starting point for a conversation with your son. What do those concepts mean to you?

“I presented the question to my students of Medical Natural Sciences (second -year Bachelor). They unanimously chose that you spoke. “The sooner the better,” was their advice. My own addition: saying nothing would probably mean that your opinion unconsciously seeps into communication.

“How do you start that conversation? The students thought that was a difficult question, but the keyword was ‘curiosity’. You can give your opinion, they said, but it must be an exchange of ideas, in which good questions are central.

“From my own experience I add: no why ask questions. They sound like an accusation. Start the sentences with ‘How do you think about …?’ “I’m curious how you …” can I tell how I look at it? ” They help in having an open conversation. “

Joint activity

Bas Delivery: “Your son is 23. The upbringing is over. Although neuropsychologists nowadays insist that the brain has not yet been matured in the eighteenth year, your son has fortunately been considered to be responsible and liable for themselves in all sorts of respects for five years, so as adults. That most adults sometimes behave ‘immature’, we do not get out of the world.

“And yet you should definitely not underestimate the meaning of what you bring today. It often happens that children who explicitly distance themselves from the views of their parents in their youth, later, to the teaching of their children, refer to it without any restraint. “My father always said!”

“The fact that you regret the materialistic attitude of your son – keeping other ideals – is a fascinating topic of conversation. It’s great that he has been living independently for so long, but that has limited the number of meetings in recent years. Think a joint activity in which everything and everything can be discussed regularly. If you consider your son as an adult conversation partner, his freedom of choice is not in any danger. ”

Leo Molenaar is a dean to the Murmellius Gymnasium Alkmaar and gives the study & career course to university second -year students.

Bas Delivery is former lecturer pedagogy.