Chat happens when within a couple, one person wants children and the other doesn’t? Should either of you put aside your desires? And, if so, who should do it? How can two needs and desires that are so different from each other be managed in a relationship? Sofia Vergara raised the certainly not recent problem again. The actress, protagonist of the TV series on Netflix Griseldaon the occasion of the presentation tour she revealed one of the reasons for the end of her marriage with her colleague Joe Manganiello: she didn’t want children, he did.
Couple and children: when one wants them and the other doesn’t
In the book Falling in love and Love by the sociologist Francesco Alberoni, an important aspect of romantic relationships is highlighted: when you are at the beginning of a story, euphoria and happiness are not simple emotional states but a kind of substances that make the brain more malleable to accept some questions and compromises. In other words, the happiness that falling in love brings makes us less rigid about some personal positions. In this sense, therefore, It is very useful to talk about your desires and expectations towards life as a couple from the beginning.
But what happens when within a couple one person wants a child and the other doesn’t? The end of the Hollywood actress’s marriage is quite eloquent, but are there no alternatives? «The issue is decidedly complex, especially in a long-term relationship, where the difference in expectations regarding having children or not can generate conflict, resentment and ruptures. The first thing that should be done in this circumstance is avoid pointing fingers at the other person and instead try to get to the bottom of things on the point of view and feelings of both” explains the psychologist and psychotherapist Carolina Traverso.
Listening, the fundamental key for a couple talking about children
Addressing this topic within the couple is never easy, for this reason the fundamental element is listening. Being able to listen to each other without judging each other and feeling attacked by your partner, therefore being able to speak freely is an important starting point. «It is essential at this moment to be able to tell yourself why you want or don’t want a child and what the fantasies and fears associated with this choice are without falling into accusatory tones or becoming defensive. For example in those who don’t want children there may be financial concerns or concerns linked to the fear of being the parent who will have the greatest burden of caring for the child, perhaps to the detriment of their career or, again, that the couple no longer has the time to dedicate to themselves. If you come from a difficult family and perhaps have experienced trauma, there may be fear of not being up to the parental role which should be explored further with a psychotherapist” explains the expert.
Having a clear understanding of the personal experiences and motivations that lead to a particular choice is essential. It is therefore not inevitable that a couple will have to break up: clarifying the positions, understanding the motivations, can also be a way to give oneself time to reason about the important choice to be made.
However, behind certain decisions, especially when it comes to not wanting children, there may not even be profound reasons: In fact, it may happen that you simply don’t have the desire to become parentsa position that requires no justification or explanation.
The importance of talking about your desires first
But why have any “experienced” couples never addressed this topic? «If you have avoided the topic for a long time, very often it is because you know the other person’s opinion on the topic. And above all, we are aware that we are on two opposite tracks. Other times, however, it was avoided thinking that the person might change their mind, therefore adapting to our needs. But time is not always a friend in this sense. In other cases it may be a sin of naivety. Maybe you’ve been together for a year and have never broached the topic yet because you didn’t think the story could become serious. And then it turns out that the visions are not identical.”
For this reason it is important to address important topics: «In particular, if we are single and we already know that it is essential for us to have children, it is good to take this into account when choosing a partner, avoiding starting important relationships with people who immediately warn us that they are completely averse to the idea, without blaming them. Everyone has the right to live up to their own desires and inclinations.”
How to behave in these cases?
«First of all what not to do: don’t force the other person to make a decision that doesn’t feel in line with their most authentic values and desiresif you don’t want to find yourself, later on, in a couple full of anger and resentment” explains the expert.
But can a couple survive this difference? «Yes if she’s very close-knit and if the partner who strongly desires to become a parent feels and knows that this possibility is simply postponed, not categorically excluded. If, however, this is not the case and the person who wants to have children considers the becoming a parent as a life purpose essential and feels that giving it up leads to a compromise of one’s mental health, especially in a relationship in which there is no space to talk, discuss and come together, then, no matter how painful it may be, it is better to end the relationship».
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