Educating without yelling or punishing is possible. And not only is it possible, but it is also beneficial both for us and for our sons and daughters: we will be creating a family atmosphere based on respect and trustand not in fear and authoritarianism.
However, there are many people who are reluctant to apply positive discipline methods in the education of their children, since they consider that there is nothing like the slap of a lifetime or four well-delivered shouts. But, is this really the most effective way to get children to pay attention to us? let’s see why punishing, yelling or threatening are harmful options for our children, and what other educational resources we can put in place to tackle these situations at home.
Punishment is an uneducational method
As María Soto, an expert in Positive Discipline, explains, “punishment is the resource of the educator who has no resources”. The author of “Educa Bonito” adds that punishment “more than a way of educating, more than a learning tool, it is a way of direct behaviors through fear. A training technique based on conditioning & rdquor ;.
“If our children follow the rules only out of fear of the consequences, the moment we turn around, they will stop following them”
Psychologist
Prizes or blackmail work in the same way that punishments work, to which we are also very accustomed to resorting when we want (or need) that our children pay attention to us. However, with these methods we only get that the illusion of the prize or the fear of reprisals become their main motivation to perform or not a certain act.
Thus, the psychologist Alberto Soler points out that “authority should never be objective, but rather a logical consequence of honest and respectful educational actions. Respect is earned, not imposed”. And it is very important not to forget that “if our children follow the rules only out of fear of the consequences, the moment we turn around, they will stop following them”, says the psychologist. In this sense, María Soto adds that “until we understand that respect is earned with admiration and not with fear, instead of educating we will be training“.
Educate from positive discipline
Jane Nelsen, one of the greatest references in Positive Discipline, explains that “people who believe that punishment is valid do so because they believe that the only alternative is permissiveness. People who do not believe in punishment often go to the other extreme and become too permissive Positive discipline helps adults find a respectful middle ground, which is not neither too punitive nor too permissive“.
In other words, Positive Discipline is a method based on respect (both from parents to their children, and vice versa) that allows boys and girls to participate in decision-making, be aware of the rules and established limits and look for decisions to family conflicts. Instead of putting a patch (as a punishment) that can work in the short term and can generate discomfort, fear, guilt, humiliation…, Positive Discipline advocates an education based on responsibility, learning and safety: it is about a long term bet.
Alternatives to punishment from Positive Discipline
If we want to leave shouting, blackmail and punishment behind, Positive Discipline gives us multiple alternatives to achieve it. One of the main ones that we must know and implement is to let our sons and daughters experience the consequences of their actions.
1. Natural and logical consequences
When we talk about consequence, we can differentiate between two types: natural and logical. The former are circumscribed within what would be a natural cause-effect. They are directly related to the act that triggers it and the adult does not intervene. For example, if he doesn’t want to eat, then he will be hungry.
These consequences will not be effective when: the child is in danger (for example, if they do not want to cross the road holding hands), when they interfere with the rights of others (for example, hitting other children) or when they do not cause a problem for children (for example, not showering).
On the other hand, logical consequences they require the direct intervention of the adult, but, unlike punishments (which are normally arbitrary and intended to demonstrate a misunderstood authority), the consequences have to meet the following premises:
– They have to be related to the behavior we want to correct.
– We have to have anticipated them or, better yet, agreed with the boy or girl himself.
– Must be respectful with our son.
– Have to be provided to the behavior to be corrected.
2. Focus on solutions:
On the other hand, as María Soto explains, “the attitude focused on the search for solutions is not limited to offering a reaction to bad behavior. It is a general attitude that is not conditioned by any conduct, a way of accept the processes of our children that invites them to look at life with full awareness of their power over it & rdquor ;.
“If we build a real relationship, in the future they may want to tell us about their things, all their things, because we will be a reference for guidance, cooperation, and not fear”
Positive Discipline Expert
In addition, the Positive Discipline expert emphasizes that “the solution-focused attitude strengthens your self-esteem by encouraging them to feel capable of overcoming challenges, providing solutions and participating in their resolution”.
In the search for solutions we can put into practice tools such as brainstorming (brainstorming) or family meetingsin which we can encourage our sons and daughters to find solutions, develop communication skills, cooperation, mutual respect, creativity, responsibility, as well as learn to express their feelings and have fun or enjoy themselves as a family.
3. Educate with kindness and firmness
As we told you, educating from Positive Discipline does not imply being permissive or falling into overprotection. As Amaya de Miguel, creator of ‘Relájate y Educa’, points out, “strategies such as clowning, playing games or singing are very effective in reducing emotional tension and in getting your children to internalize positive behaviours. But this should not reduce your firmness & rdquor ;.
But firmness is not authoritarianism. “Firmness means that the parameters by which you guide yourself are firm and stable and that you, as an adult, define them and ensure that they are respected” explains Amaya.
In short, as María Soto emphasizes, “if we build a real relationship, based on the acceptance of processes and progressive learning, with all the setbacks that this entails, in the future they may want to tell us their things, all their things, because we will be guiding reference, of cooperation, and not of fear”.