For a long time, Jeroen Stafleu (28) did everything he could to please women: “I was often told by women that they thought I was too soft.” When for the umpteenth time he took a woman to home, Jeroen realized that he was not happy at all. Nowadays Jeroen organizes men’s circles where he talks to other men about their feelings.
After moving from Chaam to Breda, Jeroen started exercising a lot and started dressing differently. “I was often told by women that they thought I was too soft or they said that they wanted a harder man.” That is why he did everything to be more popular with women. “Lots of partying, drinking alcohol and bringing women home But actually I wanted a permanent partner, but I couldn’t find one.
“‘How long have you been dry?’
“I remember once when I brought a woman home and the next day I thought: I don’t want this at all. I don’t like this at all. But there is such a culture among men, for example with ‘panda points’, you know. It’s often about: ‘How long have you been dry?’ and ‘Shouldn’t you bring a woman home again?’. Until I looked at myself in the mirror and thought: what am I actually doing?
When he was 22, his then girlfriend took him to a spiritual festival. “What a bunch of hippies, I thought.” He started talking to an older man who asked if he could give Jeroen a hug. “I gave him a quick hug and patted his shoulders. He noticed that I was tense. ‘Give me another hug and then without patting him,’ he said.” Jeroen felt very relaxed after the hug. “I felt a kind of brotherhood.”
“I’m not going to sit in a circle like that and talk about my feelings.”
Since then, Jeroen has completely turned his life around. He started attending men’s circles. “The first time I thought: What am I doing here? All these people talking about their problems.” But he soon realized that it helped him, that he felt safe. “Now I help other men by organizing men’s circles in Breda.”
Jeroen regularly receives enthusiastic emails from men who want to know more about his men’s circles. “Then I call them and they respond with: ‘Wow, that’s really cool. I am going to think about it.’ And then I don’t hear from them anymore.” He notices that many men are afraid of making themselves vulnerable. “You have to be prepared to look at yourself and that can be very confrontational because then you only get to your sensitive points.”
Jeroen receives a lot of responses from women who think it would be something for their boyfriend. But the men usually say ‘no’ to his men’s circles. “I’m not going to sit in a circle like that with a cup of tea and talk about my feelings. That’s how they think. Talking about your feelings are very scary words for most men,” he says.
Jeroen’s entire story can be heard in the last episode of the podcast ‘On the Man Off’. .
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