DIt’s difficult to turn on the television or radio without coming across war news, without being able to control the flow. But that flow also reaches the ears and eyes of our children: small and unconscious, we think. Or if we are older and capable of forming an idea on our own, we delude ourselves. But in the meantime, maybe: shall we change the channel or station? Do we turn down the volume to continue informing ourselves in the hope of not upsetting them? Do we address the topic openly or only if they ask us questions? Every parent these days wonders about these issues, whether there is a middle ground between being immersed in the reality of a distressing historical phase like the current one and closing oneself in a bubble together with one’s child. Whether there is a way to talk about war with children that is not traumatizing. And within the reach of every parent. We asked the professor Claudio Mencacci, neuropsychiatrist.
Talking about war to children: when to do it, how and why. Claudio Mencacci’s advice
«First of all it is fundamental do not leave children alone in front of the images», explains Claudio Mencacci. “We must never think that those images do not reach them.” Even if, perhaps, they feign indifference. «This is the worst possibility: apathy, freezing of emotions. Instead, recognizing oneself in the other and also worrying about the other are very important moments, constitutive of the child’s growth path as a human being.”
If, however, we catch them distressed, good: that’s the time to talk. «The moment we decide to address the topic, we must first understand what they already know and the effect that what they know has on them. Only starting from how the child feels can a dialogue begin. That needs to be carried forward with age-appropriate words and resisting the temptation to lie.”
The right words, at the right time
The notional lesson, with a historical excursus on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict from the origins of Zionism to the present day, passing through the Six Day War and the Oslo Accords, is of no use to children. it is much more important to convey the idea of what a war is. «But this concept is within their reach. They know what’s going on when two people want the same thing and neither of them wants to give it up».
The parent’s task is to invite them to take an extra step. «Explain that we can work on an agreement: this means educate about mediationis investing in the future.”
Evidently the parents themselves may feel inadequate: both from the point of view of knowledge and from the sense of what is happening. «It is right and lawful, there is nothing wrong if a father or mother admits that they don’t understand something». But it is still important not to back down from one’s responsibility as a reference adult.
Suggestions from Unicef and Save The Children to explain the war to children
Since every parent is looking for practical ideas, we have also collected the advice provided by the competent organizations. First of all Unicefwhich offers nine tips to talk to children, support them and offer them consolation, e Save The Childrenwith a video of advice.
1. Choose the right moment and try to understand what he already knows
First of all, it’s best to choose carefully the time of day in which to approach current events naturally – as far as possible. For example, during a meal. Before talking to children about war, it is best to ask the child what he already knows and how he feels. Some children are poorly informed and have no interest in talking about it: it is necessary to respect their inclination. Others, perhaps, are worried but don’t show it.
With younger children, it can help to draw or play and then start a discussion about it.
In any case it is important to understand what the child has already seen or heard to reassure him and possibly deny false information which may have taken root in his mind.
2. Take your child’s feelings seriously
Younger children might not being able to distinguish between the images they see on TV and their real life, believing, therefore, that they were in a situation of immediate danger. Older children may have read some disturbing articles on social media and fear an escalation of the fighting.
It’s important Don’t downplay your concerns of child. The feelings he is experiencing are completely natural but his parents are there to listen to him and explain how things are going.
3. Carry on a calm, age-appropriate conversation
When speaking to a child, it is essential to use a age-appropriate language. And observe carefully the effect the words have on him, his reactions, also paying attention to his body language.
Of course that can happen the world situation also worries parents, it’s completely normal. The reassurance they can offer their children is that they are not in danger and that the whole world is working to end the conflict and proclaim peace.
4. Does he ask things you can’t answer? He doesn’t do anything
It may happen that you don’t have a ready answer to a question. And that’s fine. Parents can safely trust that they will look for the answer. It can be an opportunity to do it together, if the children are old enough. And to explain to him that some information circulating on the Internet is false and how important it is to choose reliable sources. Focus Junior has published some articles that can be useful in clarifying important points with older children.
5. Avoid generalizing
Unfortunately, conflicts often generate hatred towards foreigners, whether it is a people or a nation. A parent should instead avoid making general comments about population groups or certain nationalities. And instead try to awaken a feeling of compassionfor example towards families who have to flee their land.
6. Value positive stories
In the flow of difficult and black news, they can also be found some positive, for example those of people who provide aid to the needy or of young people who demand peace.
Children may also want to take part in a peace demonstration. They could paint a billboard or write a poem for peace. Often the feeling of doing something – however small – can provide great relief.
7. End the conversation with caution
When the conversation nears the end, the suggestion from Unicef experts is to observe the child’s mood. Trying to gauge his level of fear, paying attention to body language, breathing, voice inflection. Finally, it is useful to remind him that he can listen to his parents at any time, if he is worried, if he has questions or simply if he wants to talk.
8. Make sure the child feels well
Throughout the conflict, parents should pay special attention to the state of well-being of their children. Noticing changes in your mood or behavior. Mysterious stomach aches, headaches, nightmares or trouble sleeping. Sadness or anger may also appear. Many of these reactions are normal responses to a stressful situation and are usually only short-lived. However, if they persist for a prolonged period, your child may need specialized help.
9. Take care of yourself too
To best help their children, parents must first take care of themselves. Also paying attention to the way they consult the news, for example: it is better to establish defined moments during the day in which to inform themselves, rather than constantly surfing online. And take time to do relaxing and enjoyable things.
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