cara Esther,
I’m E., I’m 30 and for a few years i live far from home for work. In the city where I live I met M., 31 years old, a seemingly perfect manwith which I had one relationship that lasted two and a half years and with whom I had made many plans for life together including marriage, with a date already set.
He doesn’t answer calls
Last Christmas, after a month of living in two different cities (he returned to his home where I was supposed to join him soon) but an hour apart, while we were discussing on the phone the trip we were supposed to take (and which would also be his gift) for my thirtieth birthday, following a misunderstanding he decided to don’t answer my calls anymore and even stop viewing my messages. Taken by desperation I went to his house where he was not found. For about I haven’t heard from him for a month, messages went unseen for a long time and calls went unanswered. My Christmas obviously was a Christmas spent crying.
I’m sick and I go to psychotherapy
In the meantime I have decided to embark on a path of psychotherapy and in mid-January, when he decides to talk to me again, he does so by coming with me to the session where the therapist offers us couple therapy. Final result: on my thirtieth birthday he let me know that he didn’t want to embark on this journey with me, despite the fact that I am a person with whom he is comfortable, with whom there is sexual understanding and with whom he spends pleasant time together. Needless to tell you about my anguish. I go on my way, between the despair and the sense of inadequacy and meanwhile I often ask him to see us again since he is unable to tell me what I would like to hear: le apologies for his month of silence and that love is over.
He comes back, deludes me and disappears again
Instead what he can tell me is that he is unable to predict the future and therefore he doesn’t know if one day we will get back together. This feeds me a hope. Last week, after six months since our separation, we met again, we went to dinner together and to the cinema, we had a good time, we didn’t talk about us from the past and all the time there were jokes about us in the future, plans about what we were going to do, travels etc. The moment we were closest, when there was contact with caresses and we were about to kiss he took his leave saying it was late and leaving me petrified and without even having time to realize what was going on he left.
I texted him to find out if he got home and what happened is the same thing that happened in December. Messages not displayed. No trace of him. All this despite him knowing how much that behavior made me feel bad.
Why?
I am aware that many women in my place would have given up on the first one not visualized but the love I feel for him prevents me from being rational.
Esther Viola’s answer
Dear E,
We know them, these subjects. Lately they have multiplied so much that they seem to be the only kind of fish in the sea. Do you want to go see Barbie and exalt yourself with feminist meta-messages, what empowerment do you want to do, we delude ourselves. They have specialized, they act like viruses, they debilitate the female, there is no hope against this new passive patriarchy, with a Cold War flavour.
Those like him
Those who care, “how much” depends who knows, on how they get up. Those who are comfortable with you, on an equal footing with another. Those who have the ex on the pedestal and tell you every five minutes, it is not clear with what use (to be told “call her back”?).
Those with difficult childhoods, were injured when they were small, the damage is now done, a red cross is needed in permanent garrison, they demand understanding for every wickedness. Those who, because of mom and dad, now have to keep the insensitive pose. Those who are insensitive really are, and some devout little lamb girl sits right there, taking a beating, and doesn’t move.
Those who write, and then rewrite, and all that you find after months are miles of chat. You drown in those chats.
Those who see you as a friend. Those who improve your credit since time has passed: you are a little more than a friend. Those with a girlfriend at home who swear there’s nothing left, but they won’t leave her, so they have two cracks and happy.
The ones that just don’t kick you out of bed. Those who “better at home”, because their house is already occupied. And you even prepare dinner for him. Those that “yes” and “no” are basically words look alike. Those who exaggerate, to dramatize like this. Those that you are too weak, never them a little carrion.
“The more trivial flaws they have, the more they make you angry,” he writes Philip Roth.
He always comes back, but is that what you want?
The only sure thing about these wrecks is that they come back. They always come back. From you and all the others. And you say: why does he come back? Why drop and take is hilarious, when you don’t care, because life is mostly boring, because they have nothing better to do. Do they disappear? Let’s hope. Never saw a number destined never to appear on the phone again.
Is it worth waiting for?
So what will the lover do (you) cornered and with no way out? He will wait, pretending not. If I had to choose one characteristic of love, would be that: availability to boundless expectations. The prerogative of any power: to give the impression that the wait is worthwhile.
I’m not saying stop, you don’t stop because I tell you to. Give yourself only one rule, and that is get it into your head that there is suffering, wait for the miracle and do something during it.
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