By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
Should I confess my infidelity to my girlfriend? How do I talk to my husband about my secret sexual fantasies? Such questions reach us again and again in the column “Ms. Förster’s question time”. This time a reader wants to know: “How does good sex actually work?”
The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes: “I regularly read your most interesting column bz.de and now I have a question that could be summed up like this: How does really good sex actually work?
Background: I (28) have been with my girlfriend (25) for a few months. We are very harmonious with each other and could well imagine that something longer would come of it. Unfortunately, we don’t really harmonize in bed.
I think the sex is okay for both of them. She keeps saying she enjoys the closeness and of course I also climax regularly. The only thing we never burn off is a real firework display. Since we are still young, I would like to work on our sex life.
Do you have any technical tips? Are there any special positions, toys or even locations that we should try to increase our mutual pleasure?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “Sex is on everyone’s lips. There is constant discussion about how to give a good blowjob, how to give your girlfriend the perfect climax, which position brings the ultimate sex experience and how to experience multiple orgasms. But your question, dear reader, is a very central one: How does good sex actually work?
If we asked this question to 100 couples, we would probably get close to 100 different answers. It’s pretty hard to really define good sex. This is simply because sexuality is very individual and everyone has different sexual desires. And yet today I will try to give you 4 basic requirements for good sex.
1. Feel yourself
Good sex depends on knowing and, above all, loving our own body. Masturbation is a very central point, because you feel the changes in your own sexuality and erogenous zones. That’s why I always recommend involving a lot more of the body in masturbation than just the groin area.
Loving your own body is a big topic, especially in your generation, dear reader. Because of (social) media, we constantly have the feeling that we are not good and sexy enough. Women, in particular, think that their bottoms have to be bigger, everything super tight and their breasts perfect as advertised in order to have good sex and be desirable.
The problem many men have is that they compare your performance to the ‘show’ in porn and your body to the perfect covers of ‘Men’s Health’. Media is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But they often only show absolute perfection. But let’s be honest: if something isn’t perfect, it’s often your own body.
The most important message here is: Perfection is absolutely not necessary for good sex. Neither physically nor in performance. Good sex lives from the fact that self-love is in the room. Because this is the only way to let yourself go and, above all, to be able to feel yourself with all your lust.
2. Communication is important
Being able to talk openly with your partner about your own needs and desires is a huge gift. If it doesn’t work, a huge blockade. From my everyday practice, I know that very few couples can really – and I mean really – talk openly about (their) sex with each other. In order to be able to communicate all of my wishes to my partner, I first have to be clear about what a really fulfilling sexuality looks like for me.
What do I wish for from my counterpart so that I can fully develop my sexuality with him? A lot of people fail with this question alone because they have never dealt intensively with the answer. At this point I would like to ask everyone who reads these lines and feels caught to ask themselves this question again and again and, ideally, to communicate with their partner.
Even if there are critical comments about previous experiences with the current partner, many do not dare to address them. Criticism is a very vulnerable area, especially in sexuality, but it should be discussed constructively out of respect for your partner and your own sexuality. This is the only way you can actively shape your sex life and turn regular sex into regular, very good sex.
3. Fuel sexual attraction
My third point, and I am very aware of it, is difficult. Good sex is mostly differentiated from normal sex by sexual and erotic attraction. Of course, this is often the most difficult component, especially in long-term relationships, because everything that we have at our disposal unfortunately naturally loses desire in humans. That’s not to say you can’t have great sex in long-term relationships. But this is really something that needs to be consciously encouraged.
That’s why a lot of variety, role-playing games, special places, toys and lingerie are always recommended. Everything that makes the whole sex life varied also fuels our desire.
4. Good sex is a choice
Consciously shaping your sex life, communicating, training yourself in self-acceptance: Everything is always a conscious decision for your own sex life and that of your partner. Keeping this in focus is certainly not always easy in the dynamics of everyday life. This is exactly why good sex is ALWAYS a conscious decision.
Perceive yourself and your sexual energy as one of your basic needs, and it is. Our inner balance is very closely tied to our sexual satisfaction.
So ask yourself: When you experience a tense situation in a sexually balanced way, how easily do you get rattled? And how upset are you when you’re sexually imbalanced?
For this reason, my appeal to you, dear reader, is to regularly incorporate sex into your everyday life. Desire for sex arises from desire for sex. Sometimes we just have to do it.”