NoWe have not discovered “toxic” loves now: they have always been there but we didn’t have the words. An epidemic has not broken out. True, many celebs have denounced them: Wild Lucarelli told his story in Heartbreak, Amber Angiolini accusing the ex Massimiliano Allegri of ghosting, and the very young star Margaret Qualley broke up with Shia LaBeouf after allegations of abuse he received from his ex-girlfriend.
Those bad stories about toxic love
Successful women write books about twisted emotional states and poisoned relationships. After Acts of submission Of Megan Nolan (NN editor), He loves me (Mondadori), the poetic debut of the Icelandic Thóra Hjörleifsdóttir, tells the abyss of a sadly autobiographical sick relationship that opens with the declaration: “I dedicate this novel to all the women who have spoken”.
And it has just arrived at the cinema Alice Darling, psychological thriller by Mary Nighy with Anna Kendrick, presented at the Toronto Film Festival. Alice doesn’t know she’s a victim. She in love with Simon, who calls her darling, darling, doll, she always agrees with him, defends her frightening attentions, her desire to control.
Says Kendrick: “I was very interested in describing a toxic relationship. Everyone has been affected by this kind of abuse in some wayperhaps indirectly through a friend who seemed suffocated. Often it is difficult to understand what is happening.
A partner who disappeared into thin air? A serial seducer? With types like this, it’s better to end the relationship: yes, but how to define them? (Getty)
Affective addictions, the words to say it
Difficult, yes. Perhaps for this reason, in Toxic loves (Rizzoli), the psychoanalyst Laura Pigozzi goes to the root of emotional addictions (the father, the mother, childhood and much more) accepting with reserve the new nomenclature, almost all American and not at all scientific, but “it is better to have the words than not to have them at all”. Meanwhile, here they are.
1. Gaslighting
Psychologist Martha Stout first used it in 2000 with the meaning of narcissistic abuse, a subtle, disguised manipulation that progressively nullifies the ability to judge. «It sounds sophisticated, but it’s more widespread than you think» assures Laura Pigozzi. «The name derives from Gas Light, a play translated into a film, in 1944, with Ingrid Bergman (Angoscia in Italian). My mother saw it, and she was struck by it… ».
A husband tricks his wife into thinking she’s crazy by moving things around and dimming the lights in the house. Typical phrases: “You imagined it!”, “But it was your idea!”, “You’re making it all up!”. The gaslighter never really enters the relationship, he doesn’t need to, his affective world is saturated (he’s a narcissus, often a mammon). He doses attention in a scientific way to maintain the dominant position, regulates the intensity of her behavior as in the novel My husband by Maud Ventura (Sem), “so that she lets her guard down and feels guilty”.
2. Ghosting
It’s not a ghost story, not in a real sense. But there really is a ghost: love. He doesn’t answer the phone, he deletes you from Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, you are no longer “friends” on Facebook. It’s the new way to close without giving an explanation. But it leaves open some romantic possibilities. What if she lost her memory, was in a coma or was kidnapped? The truth is, as usual, trivial. In America the Mir (Missing in relationship) are on the rise and the network abounds with outlets. According to dating site Plenty of Fish, 78 percent of single Millennials have had an experience as a ghoster or ghostee, perpetrator or victim.
«Ghosting», says Pigozzi, «is not only the atrocious accomplice of a certain inexperience of young people in relationships and words, but it is also widespread among those adults who are unable to communicate their emotional states. Alexithymia, the inability to have words for what one feels, is spreading alarmingly».
3. Serial lover
He is not a harmless butterfly, but an integrated psychopath, sometimes with a prestigious social calling card, who shares some characteristics with the serial killer. Pigozzi warns us: «We find it among doctors, academics, lawyers, soldiers, political and religious leaders. Its fearsome toxicity is not knowngiven that, as in so much young adult fiction, crowds of young girls are attracted to the villain of the stories (Afterserial lover, but also 50 shades of Grey) because already emancipated from the status of son, an adult, a cool guy who frees them from maternal and paternal control, and makes them feel like women.
The serial lover controls the victim, if he metaphorically “eats” her, stripping it of its characteristics to melt it in a cauldron of conquests. The web is her hunting ground. But the real problem is the facade of normality. This is why the use of names must be carefully dosed: sometimes, they are a form of normalization, of customs clearance of the barbarism with which the serial lover, the gaslighter, the ghoster treat the other person».
4. Banksying
The reference is to the famous work Girl with balloon of Banksy, genius of street art, who self-destructed as soon as he was sold at auction. The term defines who, as soon as a story begins, plans its end. The goal of all these definitions: to avoid déjà-vu, that is, not to make the same errors of evaluation again. But why does this happen? Laura Pigozzi explains: whoever does banksying is, in turn, a victim“believes that his story will go badly and ends it early, even if he himself suffers the consequences”.
5. Zombing
Zombies resurface and it’s not easy to get rid of them. «Worse than ghosting», writes journalist Noah Michelson on HuffPost Usa, «there is only the resurgence a month laterand I mean ‘worse’ because I’ll have had time to question a million questionable things you’ve said to me in our short time together.”
6. Bird boxing
In a relationship that ends there are also those who offer (too many times) the second chance. In this case the neologism is Bird boxing which can only be understood by those who have seen it bird box, film with Sandra Bullock recoverable on Netflix. In the usual dystopian future a mother flees blindfolded with her children to escape mysterious creatures that, if you look, cause madness. Bird boxing then means being blind to your ex’s flaws and not realize it.
7. Winter coater (or seasonal boyfriend)
The ex reappears at the first coldswhen he has nothing to do, he is single again and tired of arranging dates. Come back if you allow it, if you expect it (and hope). She swears, “I’ve missed you” and then, when better options come along, bye. The cruel definition of winter coating (from winter and coat) refers to a kind of sentimental wardrobe change, cashmere for the cold season, which is then destined for mothballs. It’s spring, it’s already happening…
8, 9, 10 – Benching Stashing Breadcrumbing
benchingor keeps you on the bench, stalls, in the meantime goes out with others; stashing (he doesn’t let anyone know you’re together, maybe he’s leading a double life); breadcrumbingliterally, “to sow breadcrumbs” (i.e. flirt without intending to continue).
They are almost synonymous, with different shades. These are inconclusive relationships, often only virtual. «But words», recalls Pigozzi, «explain the tip of the iceberg, not the iceberg against which we risk crashing. Multiplying labels creates confusion and doesn’t make people understand. We are witnessing a sort of reverse education. Women, who have become (too) independent, risk being relegated. Seeking salvation from a familiar system they fall from the frying pan into the fire.
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