ANDbe in a stable, healthy and strong couple. At least in appearance. Why then it happens that one of the two, or maybe even both, falls in love with another. Infatuation? Or real falling in love? If in love betrayal is not contemplated much, it may however be that interest in another person is an alarm bell for one’s life as a couple. Which may not be at the end of the line but needs to be “revised”. How to deal with the situation?
Love and betrayal: how widespread is it in the couple?
Betrayal in love is not contemplated. Yet last fall the dating-extramarital.com site released a survey carried out among its members revealing a not entirely unexpected fact: despite the reputation of jealous Italians attached to the family, our country is the first in Europe for extramarital betrayal. The percentage of infidels is around 59%, while the European average is 34%. The most “treacherous” regions are Lombardy, Campania and Lazio, followed by Tuscany, Emilia-Romagna, Piedmont and Liguria, while Rome, Naples and Bergamo are at the top for cities. In short, along the boot women and men betray.
But what happens when you realize that, despite a stable relationship that may have lasted for years, you let yourself be taken by another person? In fact, managing this new situation not only in practice but above all emotionally is not easy, and it doesn’t matter if, statistics in hand, you are in good company in our country.
«Falling in love with another person, when you are already in a relationship, is never easy. You may not want to leave a secure relationship for one that you don’t know will work out in the long run. You may feel filled with guilt and conflicting emotions, torn between the thought of hurting the person you are with and the attraction towards the new one. You might even have the feeling that you love them both and don’t know how to handle the situation» analyzes Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapist.
Love, betrayal or simple infatuation?
Therefore, starting to clarify is essential. First of all trying to distinguish infatuation from falling in love. And also starting from a simple fact: «Even if you’re in a solid relationship, it can happen that you feel attracted to another person. It is a much more frequent situation than one believes but, since they are often feelings that are kept secret, one always thinks one is the only one and, especially if one considers them “forbidden”, one tends to give them too much weight» explains the expert.
In other words, you may have a tendency to exaggerate the situation. In addition to distinguishing between real falling in love and infatuation, it must in fact be borne in mind that behind the simple crush very often there are no real feelings as much as finding in the new person qualities that are missing in the partner or in ourselves. «However, we must remember that perfection does not exist and that we are probably idealizing not only the new person but also the qualities that we could actually cultivate ourselves».
What if the attraction is primarily sexual? “In this case, all the more reason you should be careful not to make hasty decisions: in the absence of an intellectual and, above all, emotional connection, a relationship cannot be based only on sex”.
Reflect, evaluate and weigh before acting
The first thing to do in these cases is to reflect, above all because over time you can realize that the new person is absolutely normal.
And if not? «You have to make other types of assessments, analyzing your own couple, trying to understand before making hasty decisions: how much does our love story still have value for us, regardless of the other person?».
And above all, ask yourself a fundamental question: «If the person we think we fell in love with was no longer in our lives, would we stay with our partner? If so, perhaps the relationship is more solid than we thought and our feelings for the new person are not that serious. If the answer is no, or yes but with the awareness that there are difficulties, it is possible that the main reason why we have made room for another person is precisely the crisis with our partner. Can the relationship still be saved? Especially when it comes to a love story that has lasted for a long time, and maybe there are children, it is worth asking yourself, talking about this crisis and possibly evaluating couple therapy».
Can polyamory be a solution? “If you feel you love both people yes, it could be a solution. But be careful, you should think carefully about the consequences: polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, it’s consensual, it requires commitmentand it is not said that the partner or the new person agrees».
How to end a relationship?
Once you’ve made the decision that your romance can no longer be salvaged, it’s crucial to be honest. As the expert explains, breaking up is never easy and the conversation will be very difficult. Absolutely prohibited in these cases emails, written messages or messages left on social media. «One way to proceed may be to put their feelings on paper and why the couple no longer works so as to clarify their ideas before talking to your partner. Fundamental is that the the focus of the conversation should never be the new acquaintance as much as why you are no longer in love, why the couple no longer works and why we no longer want to invest in it. Perhaps the partner will not be particularly surprised, perhaps he will react with dismay and anger, for this reason it is essential to keep calm as much as possible and not to say useless words that can further hurt”.
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