QWhen a new love story begins there are only good intentions. But it can happen catch signals that something is not working perfectly even if they happen to be completely ignored. For fear of being alone, insecurity, loneliness or even because you want a relationship so badly that you don’t notice any discomfort. So what are the signs to catch when a person is not suitable?
love: when a person is not suitable, why do we continue to be together?
It is not easy to realize in love that a person is not suitable: «Especially at the beginning of a story, you may have the clear feeling that something is wrong, but you decide to ignore it. It can happen for fear of loneliness, often combined with the fear that, out there, there is a relational desert for which one is convinced that, in order not to find oneself alone, it is better to be satisfied» he explains Carolina Traverso, psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher.
Behind this attitude is also the strong desire to want to have and live a relationship: «In this case it can happen that the person you are dating fully satisfies some criteria that are important to us but not others. In this case, therefore, we tend not to notice, to pretend nothing has happened, however, underestimating the problem a little».
In love, the signs to look for when a person is not a good fit
1. You really want to be in a relationship
Happens. For fear of being alone, due to pressure from the family, from society or even from oneself: in love, even if a person is not suitable, one tends to stay together because the idea of having a story is so deeply rooted that it risk falling in love more with the idea itself than with the person.
“A good way to tell if you’re in love with the person or the idea of a relationship might be to ask yourself: If we couldn’t be with this person, would we still want to be friends with them? Would we want it in any case in our life with an important role? If you were to change town, would we still want to continue the relationship with you?” suggests the expert who continues: «If love is conditional on circumstances, chances are you are more in love with the idea of having a relationship than with the other person».
2. Not being good friends and always being on edge
A healthy couple relationship should also be based on friendship. Physical attraction aside, theintimacy should also be mental and emotional, made up of all the complicity that is established in everyday life, including fun. “I go so far as to say that the partner should not only be a good friend, but the best friend. This implies that the diversity of interests and perspectives on the world is considered by both as a richness. The worst version, for which one should not have any doubts about the need to end the relationship, is when in interaction with partners there is the feeling of having to censor oneself or in any case of having to systematically weigh arguments and words. If you have to walk on eggshells for a relationship to work, it’s not the right relationship.”
3. Failing to overcome conflicts
“Love isn’t beautiful if it isn’t quarrels”. True, up to a point. In a relationship it’s normal to argue but how you handle the post-argument is the real crux of the matter. If, as Dr. Traverso explains, every discussion is a way of questioning the relationship, if you care more about being right rather than clarifying yourself, if you find it very difficult to understand each other and always point the finger at the other person, maybe you are not in the right relationship. «Apologizing, learning from your mistakes and avoiding making them, at least the important ones, is essential in a couple to overcome a conflict».
4. “What if he was….”
It’s a bit of a feminine classic: think you can change your partner to suit your needs. “If you think of phrases like “we will have a wonderful relationship when we finally…” or “It would be perfect for me if…”. Loving doesn’t mean not having preferences and not wanting your partner to make some changes, but these changes cannot affect the relationship. If you think that in order to love someone, you have to change them, maybe then it’s not love».
5. Love in public less in private
If effusions, complicit looks, gestures of affection are always made in front of others, or on social networks, and much less in private, it is not a good sign: «It is very probable that the relationship is more based on feeling something for others rather than a true feeling».
6. When chemistry is missing
When they say “it’s all about chemistry” it’s true. Being on the same wavelength is essential: have the same values, a similar sense of humor, the same goals in life and the same idea of the future is fundamental. Otherwise everything is forced, difficult and difficult. A sign that perhaps the relationship is not working as it should.
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