By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
It’s time again for the intimate questions of our everyday life.
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: “I’m at a loss and I’m asking for your help. I need and have sex or masturbation at least every other day, sometimes even daily. This is usually very enjoyable, but afterwards I fall into a kind of hole and my thoughts often revolve around the whole time when I can finally give in to lust again. I’m concerned about this now and worried I might be a sex addict. What should I do?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “Sex addiction is a word that’s pretty common these days for anyone who is a sexually active guy or enjoys having sex on a regular basis. But hardly anyone knows what sex addiction really means and what the definition for it looks like. For this reason, I would like to address this in advance.
Sex addiction, also known as hypersexuality, is part of the behavioral addiction picture, i.e. an addiction that is not linked to a substance such as alcohol or other substances. Hypersexuality is therefore more comparable to a shopping addiction or gambling addiction.
But whether there is a sex addiction is linked to certain criteria and has nothing to do with the subjective perception of the environment, which in an active and openly communicated love life is very quickly tempted to speak of a disorder or addiction.
The sheer quantity of sexual activity is not a measurable criterion for assessing whether a sex addiction is present. This is when the fantasies, desires, and aspirations for sex are compulsive.
So: When thoughts are constantly revolving around the exercise of sexual acts and fantasies and normal everyday life, including professional life, can no longer be carried out normally.
Another and very important criterion is the development of tolerance, which means that the preoccupation with sex, including masturbation and porn consumption, is constantly increasing and yet there is no satisfaction. At this point, sexuality no longer has anything to do with a fulfilled feeling of satisfaction, but is experienced as a compulsion.
Those affected lose more and more control over their behavior, although at the same time they strive for more control. This creates increasingly enormous frustration, which often does not go unnoticed by those around you.
So sex has become a drug where you need more and more and experience less and less fulfillment. Compulsive masturbation often accompanies it, which means several hours a day are spent on it.
You see, dear reader, that normal life can hardly be managed with a sex addiction. I don’t see this in your question. You write that you experience a lot of fulfillment and pleasure and are already looking forward to the next time.
This is an unremarkable picture for me (according to your description). Sexuality is something very self-determined and pleases us with a high degree of relaxation and fulfillment, which is why it is very understandable if, after a fulfilling sexual experience, the thought comes up when it will be possible again.
So every two days sounds like a very healthy and fulfilling sex life to me. However, your description of how you feel like you’re in a hole afterwards makes me sit up and take notice. Likewise, that your thoughts are constantly revolving around it. I would invite you to observe carefully how often this really is the case.
If at any point you have the feeling that you can no longer manage your everyday life as usual, you feel increasingly unhappy and, above all, you no longer find fulfillment in your sexuality and/or your social contacts are suffering as a result, please contact us a professional body and clarify these symptoms.“