“Personal limits”, “love bombing”, “narcissistic abuse”, “traumatic ties”, are some psychology terms that little by little entered the everyday lexicon. Especially when it comes to dating. Today, in a meeting or even in dating app chats, it is more common to hear that one “learned in therapy”and on the third date someone may mention “attachment styles.”
Sure, it doesn’t happen in every circle or every date, but just as therapy-related words and phrases seep into workplaces and schools, so do they in social conversation, even to meet someone.
According to the professor of psychology at the University of California, Paul Eastwick, today the knowledge and care of mental health are part of a “comparative advantage” between people. “Instead of saying, ‘I’m 5-11 years old and I can bench press a lot,’ it’s like, ‘I’ve dealt with the challenges of my childhood and thought deeply about my problems,'” the academic told the New York Times.
Helen Fishera biological anthropologist, Principal Investigator at the Kinsey Institute, and Senior Scientific Advisor for Match.com, has led a 12-year study investigating behavior and attitudes of single people in the U.S.
According to a survey she conducted on a sample of 5,000 Americans, when participants were asked to rank what they were looking for in a potential partner, in addition to answering common things like “sex appeal,” “reliability,” “humor,” one of the most sought after features was “emotional maturity” and “ability to process and deal with one’s own feelings”.
“In the ’60s and ’70s, this was not what we were trying to sell. we were trying to sell intelligence and be funny and creative and career oriented. Now they are selling mental health,” Fisher told The New York Times.
According to Jess Carbino, a former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble. In the 2010s, when dating apps began to be used, users flattened their interests to attract as many matches as possible. Thus, it was decided to mention generic things, such as what music they listen to or if they like animals. Over time, people began to divulge specific, intimate details, including issues related to mental health and emotional and affective responsibility. This aims to point out what one’s own values are to rule out people who may not add up when it comes to forming a relationship or even having a good time.
Doing or having done therapy also has an impact on a certain cultural prestige, which conveys the idea that one has already worked on oneself and elaborated one’s personal problems. Carolina Bandinelli, associate professor at the University of Warwick in England who studies romance and digital culture, suggests that in addition to influencing the idea of status, this greatly helps heterosexual men, who are much more prey to sexual and social mandates, and who thus manage to challenge stereotypes about which men avoid His emotions.
However, the subject admits nuances. Many people learn or acquires concepts of psychology in social networks and the web universe, where although there are competent professionals and disseminators, there can also be a lot of noise generated by those who, in reality, do not adequately handle these very specific criteria or do not even have a degree that accredits them.
In addition, there is a feeling that using scientific – or pseudoscientific – jargon reinforces our arguments, thus promoting a spiral of misinformation. Also, some skeptics think that the more people use these terms, the less they can really mean, turning therapy jargon into just another tool used by daters to try to distinguish itself from possible matches, and thus empty its true content.
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