gmen are all the same. I will never find the right person. I will be alone forever. After one heartbreak, it is not uncommon to come to terms with these thoughts. Come back to believe in relationships with the right trust and opening seems an impossible feat, after a sunburn and, even more, after having collected a series of wrong relationships.
So what to do? Resigning or withdrawing is not the solution and indeed risks making things worse. As he explains Caroline Traversopsychologist, psychotherapist, mindfulness teacheras well as an expert in romantic relationships.
Disappointments are inevitable
Keeping yourself open to the possibility of meeting the right person, especially after one or more sentimental disappointments, is not easy and yet there is a preliminary consideration that is right to make…
«Disappointments in life are inevitable – underlines Carolina Traverso – Whether it is in love or in other areas, it is absolutely normal that sooner or later come to terms with disappointment. The moment of disappointment, for example, can also occur within a functioning couple».
In fact, there are various situations that can lead to no longer believing in love and to withdrawing into negative convictions.
«There is the disappointment given by one relationship that ended badly or who didn’t bring what they hoped they would bring – the psychotherapist underlines again – but also the disappointment of those who have been single for a long timeis of a certain age and had in mind a series of stages that had to take place at specific times and seeing that this does not happen, he begins to think “everyone gets engaged, everyone makes it except me”».
Getting over a disappointment in love: It takes time
“In any case, first of all, you don’t have to be in a hurry – Carolina Traverso recommends – you have to do as the oyster does with the sand: take time to process the disappointment so that it becomes a pearl, specifically, a pearl of wisdom. Some people are in a hurry to get over the disappointment they feel and throw themselves into the classic ‘nail drives out nailwhich, however, does not allow for processing time».
Another typical error is also to close in generalizations, coming to think, in fact, “women and men are all the same”.
«It is a dangerous mechanism – underlines the psychologist – because it does not allow to overcome and process the disappointment but island in a defensive closure that hinders any possibility of allowing life to dismantle our fears.
Disappointed love: the importance of self care
What, on the contrary, is important to do when you are experiencing a disappointment in love take time for yourself and for your well-being.
«It’s good to ask yourself what makes us feel good right now and do it – Carolina Traverso still suggests – Whether it’s a matter of allowing yourself a good sleep, an outing with friends or getting some exercise. Self care and above all self compassion: If I really need to cry because that person broke my heart, it’s okay to cry. You have to allow it. Without denying suffering and above all without indulging in impulsive actions which then make you feel even worse than before ».
Ask the right questions
It also falls within the time of self care chance to reflect and of ask questions.
“It is fair to ask What happened? What are the signal states that I may have underestimated? Maybe I did something wrong too? – underlines the psychotherapist – It becomes necessary in fact reflect on what happened in the previous relationship(s), so that past experience does not become a frightening and blocking burden – or that fills a grudge – but a teaching to take with us to make us start again on the right foot, able to keep the balance between self-care and openness to the other who, by its nature, leads us to feel vulnerable”.
Self care makes you sexier
Not only. Taking time for yourself has other benefits…
«When you feel good about yourself and you are in a state of relative tranquillity, it is more difficult to cling to people who do not give you what you are looking for – explains Carolina Traverso – When we can count on a full “tank”, we don’t run the risk of waiting for someone to come along to complete us, save us, or take us away from our sense of emptiness. Plus self care makes you sexy. A person who transmits serenitytranquility and sense of joy, gives the feeling of being right with itself and instantly becomes attractive. If, on the other hand, we appear brooding, frightened and tormented, it will be more difficult to meet someone ».
How do you deal with the fear triggered by a disappointment in love?
Often love disappointments lead to no longer trusting others, to having fear of suffering again…
«This is a fear that we must always deal with – underlines the psychotherapist – however we must avoid closingof going years without getting involved anymore because this can be a dangerous attitude, which increases the sense of vulnerability».
Not to mention that, when you remain closed in on yourself for a long time, it can also happen that the desire to fall in love again then leads to idealization or al throw yourself headlong into stories that really don’t deserve…
Another typical consequence is, on the contrary, that of become too demanding and rigid. To close oneself in an ideal by rejecting those who do not adhere perfectly to that standard.
“Love cannot be a test or a check list that makes us go around with the list of characteristics that a potential partner must have” – explains the psychologist.
Falling in love again after a certain age
Therefore, it is possible to go back to believing in love and it is certainly not a matter of age. Why even after a certain age and maybe with a finished marriage behind you, it’s possible to fall in love again…
«Fear can always be overcome – concludes Carolina Traverso – after a finished marriage, or in any case a shipwrecked important project, you certainly need the right time to elaborate. But I am convinced that each of us is potentially capable of processing at any age. It is the reflective capacity that always saves us and allows us to keep ourselves with an open heart».
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