“Six stories to educate in positive discipline & rdquor; is the latest book published by the Álava Reyes Psychology Center, written by one of its professionals, the psychologist Silvia Álava.
Six stories starring trapeze artists, sheep, pirates and magic stones run through the pages of this book in order to teach the smallest concepts such as routines, belonging, persistence, forgiveness, anger or self-esteem in a simple way. .
But, in addition, it is a manual for us, mothers and fathers, since it contains a practical guide to teach us how to apply this positive discipline from home to get our children to comply with rules, ask for forgiveness, manage their emotions, etc.
Silvia, six stories for children, but also explanations for parents that can help us in the upbringing and education of our children… A book that is the perfect tool for the whole family…
Exactly, it is that the change is in us, the adults. When we are educating, the responsible ones are the parents. Even when we are talking about the adolescent, the change has to start with us. It is the adult who has to act differently for the child to act differently. When I work with families I ask them to make a record, not only of what their child does or says, but of what they say back to them. And the key, most of the time, is in our response.
The tool that you propose in this book to relate to our children is positive discipline. When we talk about positive education, there are many people who relate it to the fact of not setting rules and limits for children. Why is this happening?
It is true that there is a misunderstanding and we confuse positive discipline with the absence of rules and limits, but nothing is further from the truth. When we talk about positive discipline, of course there are rules and limits, what happens is that the rules and limits have been explained and anticipated. That is to say, the norms attend to a logic and a reasoning, they are not put under the scheme of “here I rule.” We cannot forget that we do not set the rules and limits so that children obey us just because, but so that boys and girls activate self-control. Therefore, the rules must be explained, anticipated, stated positively and adapted to the age of the children. On the other hand, I would like to remove from the minds of some parents that rules and limits override our children’s personality. No, not at all, they give them security, confidence and help them acquire self-control.
How would you define positive discipline?
Educate from respect. Taking into account that the child must respect adults, but we also respect the child. We take you into account, your opinion, your emotions, your needs. Perhaps something different when we talk about positive discipline is that we do not punish. Because what is punishment? It is a penalty. In positive discipline there is no punishment, there are consequences. Consequences are logical (we have anticipated them previously, the child knows what is going to happen) and they have to do with behavior. In other words, if your son doesn’t put his clothes in the laundry basket, a punishment would be not letting him go to the movies on Saturday with his friends, something that has nothing to do with his behavior. The consequence would be that we do not wash his clothes because they are not in the basket. In this way, we encourage the autonomy of our children, and that they learn to do things for themselves.
In fact, neuroscience tells us that you don’t have to feel bad to learn…
It’s not that you don’t have to feel bad to learn, it’s that neuroscience has shown that pleasant emotions favor learning, and unpleasant ones hinder it. What children need to learn is time, calm, patience and repetition. Therefore, we are going to educate everyone feeling good, without shouting, without threats and punishment. What will bring us a much more beneficial result for the child, but also for us, that we will feel better.
When we talk about positive discipline, there are many mothers who argue that it doesn’t work for them because if they don’t punish him, their son doesn’t pay attention to them…
Be careful, it is that the children have learned that until we tell them things five times, they do not have to pay attention to us. But it is that, in addition, they know that from the time we tell them the first time until the fifth, we pay much attention to them. And yet, if they get it right the first time, no one looks at them. So, the child, who wants your attention, doesn’t do it until the fifth. Let’s try doing the opposite, when you are obeying, I pay attention to you, I stay by your side. It is also very important to warn of what is going to happen. For example, I know that my son is not going to want to stop playing to go take a bath, because I am going to warn him. “Hey, in 5 minutes we are going to pick up the toys & rdquor ;. And, instead of punishing, encourage: “That’s great, because we’re going to do it very quickly and we’ll have plenty of time to read a story together & rdquor ;.
Another recurring phrase is usually this: “It is very good to reason with the child, but it is difficult to make him reason.”
Children are capable of reasoning perfectly, but the key is when we try to do it. In the middle of a tantrum no one can reason, let’s do it later, calmly. We talk about it later, explaining in a language they understand why they have to take a shower and stop playing. And, in addition, we do it respecting their emotion: “Honey, I understand perfectly that you want to continue playing, it is logical, that is why you feel angry, but you know that every day you have to spend a little time in the bathroom & rdquor ;.
Does positive discipline see education as a long-term process and does authoritarianism want the result now?
Could be a good definition. Sometimes we want to get things now, it’s logical, we need the result today. What happens is that “because I said so” doesn’t usually work. Do mothers and fathers want our children to brush their teeth because we tell them to or to learn why they have to brush their teeth and do it always, regardless of whether we are in front of them? I think the second. It is about understanding at all times the reason for things. And you have to explain it to them with their language: you have to brush your teeth because if the bugs don’t come, for example.
What will a child who has been educated in positive discipline be like as an adult and what will a child who has been educated from authoritarianism be like as an adult?
It has been shown that children whose parents are more authoritarian figures can function very well at school, at the grade level, but they may be less critical and, at an emotional level, it will be more difficult for them to recognize their emotions and those of others. Overprotection doesn’t help either. The consequences would be a lack of autonomy, security…
Educating with positive discipline we educate in a more democratic way, seeking consensus, and we get safe, autonomous children, capable of recognizing and regulating their emotions.