C.‘once upon a time they were grandmothers, friends, aunts. They rushed to the first cry, regurgitation or colic, lullaby the baby while the mothers allowed themselves a shower and bestowed tips and advice, requested or not, on everything. Today there is the web.
Vegetti Finzi and the solitude of mothers
“Mothers are very lonely” says Silvia Vegetti Finzi, psychologist, pedagogist and academic. «This is why the au pair exchange is essential. It is more important than the relationship with their mothers ». Today’s grandmothers come from another eramade up of hope and possibility, and social steps to climb in a hurry.
“The gap with the generation of their daughters, a generation to which they have canceled the future, is enormousvery difficult communication ».
Having to be good moms. But how is it done?
Without a true social network, today’s new mothers rely on the virtual network. They land on groups on Facebook and are advised by reference figures, for various reasons, on Instagram.
“They feel inadequate and so they engage in a spasmodic search for information. D.They have to find the right thing to do, be good mothers, perform well, “she explains Camilla Stellatopsychotherapist with two small childrenfollowed on Instagram by over 20 thousand mothers.
What moms are looking for on the web
«In the past, everything was simpler» recalls Vegetti Finzi: «We relied on the“ it’s like this ”handed down from previous generations. Today we live with the anxiety of control and in an excess of protagonism, even in the care of children ».
Then there are those who, on the Net, are looking for a comparison and practical solutions, perhaps after yet another sleepless night. Those who emphasize the difficulties of the period and ask to share similar experiences. And who asks medical-health questions.
Baby food, diapers and sleep: what an effort!
Sometimes we worry about issues that are evolutionary stages, rather than problems. Breastfeeding, first meals, sleep and “spannolinare” become obstacles «because we have unrealistic expectations. It is thought that it is possible to make the child sleep all night, to teach him how to use the potty without incident. Perceived stress is very high»Continues the psychotherapist Stellato.
The web offers various apps, from those like iBimbo or Baby + – which record useful values (history of feedings, hours of sleep, weight, teeth) to how many transform the smartphone into a Baby Monitor.
Sharing to feel “normal” and less alone
Most of the time what you are looking for is a comparison, amplified by the great power of the web to bring those who are geographically distant closer together. “Maybe in real life we wouldn’t even talk to each other” says Elisa Fugazzola, mother of two children: “But in certain moments of panic or suffering sharing with others, even if only virtual, is essential to feel normal and a little less alone“. The interaction with those who go through a similar phase is an opportunity to open the Pandora’s box of fatigue and talk about a couple crisis, anger management, guilt and even a body that is difficult to recognize after pregnancy.
From baby blues to depression
Above all, “the theme of loneliness dominates: from the post-partum baby blues to the depression that sometimes follows” explains the psychotherapist Stellato: “It is clear, Facebook or Instagram cannot solve the situation but they help to become aware of the problem and, perhaps, to understand that a discussion with a specialist could solve it “. Many, when the topic is sensitive, write anonymously: “I have often done it in moments of despair” says another mother, Gabriella Di Maro: “I must say that the answers of the others to my posts have always given me relief. “.
Le Pancine and revered motherhood
Then there are extreme cases, such as the Pancine, studied in depth by Cristiana Boido in her own Fantastic bacon (Page one): fanatics of motherhood, who venerate their condition to the point – it is just an example – to hang the placenta under the traditional ribbon and sometimes little interested in scientific truth (to get an idea of the phenomenon, the blogger V.incenzo Maisto, alias Mr. Destroyer, post conversations from a secret group of Facebook sent by an infiltrator). «Compared to the groups of“ classic ”mothers, these stand out for their tribalism. They exclude the different and support themselves in the revival of archaic customs and rituals ». Yet, like all relationships on Facebook, “they reinforce the sense of belonging and comfort users in their beliefs, whether up-to-date or not,” says the author.
Pediatricians and psychologists to follow on Instagram
And the specialists? Among the Instagram profiles that deal with maternity, several are managed by professionalsas psychologists (Stellato herself, Barbara Antongiovanni, the psychologist of new mothers Irene Bernardini) and pediatricians (Doctor Albani, Marco Nuara). Gabriella says again: «I find the advice of Pediatrician Carla, on Instagram. And then his recipes help me to vary the children’s diet without too much stress ».
Of course, on social media you can offer food for thought or small tips and not tailor-made solutions or treatments. Mostly, every mothers find ideas to forge their own model of motherhood, declining it in concrete choices: from which prenatal tests to do, to the type of birth, to the breastfeeding style (on request, to the bitter end …) and weaning.
Paladine of imperfect mothers, with irony
There is no lack of those who defend the bulwark of the imperfect mother, that is normal, the one who admits to being tired and in crisis, and to grope in search of the best way to get by: how Natalia Levintewho took advantage of her experience and on Instagram “helps to free oneself from stereotypes related to motherhood” also with podcasts and webinairs. Or the blog and the Facbook and Instragram profiles mammadimerda that to the mocking cry “Go and inadequate” invites us to transform the “Don’t make it into a lifestyle” (complete with t-shirts, book published by Feltrinelli and e-shop). «For me that group was a beacon in the darkness of the pandemic» Elisa jokes: «In the worst moments, irony is the greatest weapon».
Groups on Facebook to confront mothers
Less identifying but also very present i information groups, to have territorial councils (e.g., MaMi Clubfor Milan and surroundings) aimed at a theme (eg weaning) or one educational style (Montessori method). Many mothers look for the topic of their interest, they read, but without participating. «I write a lot» says Carla Belli, mother of 2 children: «To ask for advice but also to make personal reflections on motherhood». Because, if being a mother is still a value, it is so in an increasingly conflicting way.
Every choice, and none like motherhood, is a renunciation
«In patriarchal society, life flowed along fixed tracks» recalls Vegetti Finzi: «Bride, spinster or nun? And then everything proceeded by inertia. Today, starting from the possibility of planning (or avoiding) pregnancies, women are more and more free: they can put family first or not want one at all. They may choose to prioritize their profession, and perhaps attempt to be mothers at the last minute. But every choice for the woman who experiences it is a source of fear: it is a renunciation of something else“.
That’s what it is Natalia Levinte calls the “mammification” process: a “journey” that for some is a flash, for others it lasts years. It leads to the place “where we no longer suffer for what we have lost, because we feel ourselves again”. As they say to those who go to sea, therefore, good wind to all: and that it also applies to the great sea of the web.
Tips for Grandmothers Boomers
“It’s not easy being a grandmother today,” she admits Alessandra Bortolottipsychologist and author of Parents of parents (Mondadori). “Because mothers today have very different educational styles from the past but also because grandmothers have an active life which can be difficult to reconcile with the care of grandchildren ».
For those who are ready to roll up their sleeves, the suggestion is “remember that it is parents who choose the educational model for their children: It is worthwhile to inquire and participate in the opportunities for discussion, from preparatory courses to pediatric visits, to understand how much pedagogical theories and nutritional guidelines, for example, have evolved. And accept your role ».
Spoil less, listen more (mothers)
Important to communicate (“unresolved conflicts are projected onto children”) e do not question your quality as mothers just because you have a daughter who makes different choices (the expression “Didn’t you grow up well with me anyway?” is recurring and meaningful). Severe on topics like going to bed (“if she cries, she gets her lungs”) and breastfeeding (“after a few months, that’s enough”), grandmothers tend to be permissive about sweets and videos: «Better to reverse course, since mothers think exactly the opposite».
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