THEestablished in 2012 by the United Nations, the Parents’ Day, or Global Day of Parents, is celebrated every year on June 1st. The purpose? Recognize the important role that the parents they have in the growth of their children.
In fact, since the world began, that of the parent has always been considered the more beautiful but also more difficult job that there is, if not impossible, as Freud argued. An exciting adventure for which, at times, one would like to have an emergency handbook to consult on the fly so as not to make mistakes.
Parents: instructions for use
But there really is a better way than others to be a parent? This is the doubt that occasionally arises in the minds of mothers and fathers. An atavistic dilemma to which, throughout history, they have tried to provide an answer to philosophers, psychologists and researchers.
From their studies came the idea that there are different parenting styles and that each of these would have certain effects on children’s development. It’s really like this? Notwithstanding that, like every child, every parent is also unique, as is their way of relating to their children, it is true that in some characteristics found in the different parenting styles it is not so difficult to find a piece of one’s experience.
Authoritative or authoritarian? Permissive or indulgent? Helicopter or free range? With the help of the developmental psychologist and psychotherapist Micol Metzingerwe have identified the most common parenting styles, trying to highlight characteristics, differences, limits and strengths from which to be inspired.
Authoritative parents
Let’s start with the style judged by many experts as the most effective in raising children, characterized by high control compared to a strong support and emotional closeness. Authoritative parents are capable of establishing precise rules and boundaries but without being authoritarian. They encourage exchanges and verbal discussions, provide adequate explanations about the rules, promote autonomy but also respect and encourage the quality and potential of children. The secret of this educational model would in fact be the perfect mix between the ability to give precise rules and an empathetic attitude aimed at providing positive and unauthorized answers. According to l‘American Psychological Associationi children raised in this style tend to be friendly, energetic, cheerful, self-reliant, self-controlled, curious, cooperative and even success-oriented. Advantages that would be evident even as teenagers: according to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) in fact the children with authoritative parents would be less prone to violent behavior and drug use. «The children of these parents are somewhat reminiscent of the children defined as safe by Bowlby, able to explore the world independently. – specifies Dr. Micol Metzinger – Strong of the secure base, usually represented by the parent, where they can go back and rely on at any time they need it “.
The right tip
If it is true that the authoritative style is often the one judged to be the most effective, it must also be said that it is perhaps the most difficult to put into practice. Especially in light of the frenzy that characterizes the life of many families. The useful tip? Be inspired by these principles educational without ending up being overwhelmed by too high expectations of success. In fact, in everyday life it is not always possible to unleash the authoritative style but this does not mean that one should feel less capable parents than others.
The authoritarian style
Strict rules, punishments, high expectations and a strict approach: in general this could be described the authoritarian style, typical of parents who want make the children accept the rules without room for discussion. The risk? What children find it difficult to accept the rules because they do not fully understand their meaning. The rules are experienced as impositions and as such poorly digested.
Clear but contextualized rules!
Here then is the useful tipWe often think that being strict and rigid about giving rules to children can be a more effective way to enforce them. In reality, setting rules does not mean giving orders. Rules and prohibitions must be clear but explained and contextualized, otherwise you risk the boomerang effect. “The respect for the rules It should not be dictated by dread and fear of any retaliation. – explains the psychologist – While on the one hand this mechanism could benefit the narcissism of the parent, whose child is also in the eyes of others, at least in appearance, obedient and respectful, on the other the risk of a build-up of anger and insecurity is just around the corner“.
The permissive style
Loving and friendly but reluctant to closely monitor children and to establish clear rules and precise boundaries. This would be, in general, the identikit of the permissive parent. If on the one hand we are dealing with parents who manage to establish a friendly relationship with their children, based on trust, even this type of approach would have limits. «Children need limits and rules – explains Dr. Metzinger – for define the boundaries of the self, learn to tolerate frustration and identify points of reference, thanks to which to feel calmer and safer ». Children raised with permissive parents, in fact, tend to be certainly more independent and able to make decisions but second the American Psychological Associationthey would be even more impulsive, rebellious, aggressive and would have greater difficulty with self-control. The useful tip? Leave it to the children chance to get involved and make mistakes it is fundamental for their growth, however the supervision, even from a distancethe parent must never be missing.
Careless or uninvolved style
Parents who fall into this category have one style that can be seen as unavailable, negligent or even absent. The children of these parents may have been more self-sufficient but also have problems with self-esteem and end up trying to compensate for this lack in an unhealthy way. “A child who does not cry and gets along alone on every occasion, is not necessarily a safe child – specifies the psychologist – may in fact have learned in the relationship with his parents that he cannot count on anyone and therefore have learned to do it yourself, ihowever, in some cases internalising the idea of not being worthy of love and carewith inevitable repercussions on self-esteem and interpersonal relationships ».
Love as nourishment
One 2019 study in fact, he highlighted how people with uninvolved parents often had problems with social relationships and emotional regulation. Here then is the useful advice: never forget that the affective availability of the parent is a fundamental component for development some children. It is part of that nourishment that should never be lacking even for building self-esteem.
Parents helicopter
Don’t you recognize yourself in any of these styles? Then you could be gods helicopter parents, in English Helicopter parents. The somewhat curious term was coined by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay in their 1990 book and has become so famous that it is officially entered the English dictionaries. But who are the helicopter parents? It would be those parents who, just like helicopters, would have the tendency to follow their children from above, trying to promptly provide for their every request but also to intervene to solve any of their problems. Control and planning would be the basis of an attitude that, although dictated by unconditional love for one’s children, risks having counterproductive effects in growth. Hypercontrol, generated by the fear that the child may face defeats and failures, can in fact cause damage to the child’s self-esteem, as well as limiting his autonomy.
Less control
The useful tip? Though Sometimes it’s hard to resist the temptation to be helicopter parents and replace them, it is good to keep in mind that allow children to deal with frustrations, failures or simple moments of boredom it is the greatest gift we can give them, because only in this way will they be able to build and shape their identity, leaving their potential to emerge.
Free range parents
All ‘opposite extreme of the helicopter parentsfinally, in a much more relaxed way, there would be the so-called free-range parents. The name inspires immediate sympathy, but what does it mean to be a free-range parent? This term identifies those parents who they allow children to take risks. Free range parents give rules and inform about what the consequences of not following these rules will be, however they encourage their children to be independent, leaving them free to act, to choose and even to make mistakes. The advantages of this approach are many: children can in fact grow up more confident, self-sufficient, prone to social relationships and more creative. The risk? Right there greater likelihood of taking risks and to end up in dangerous situations.
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Free range yes, but not distracted
“The useful advice in this case is to remember that leaving the children the opportunity to fend for themselves is essential for their growth – concludes the psychologist – but they must never miss that look. distant observers which allows you to intervene if the situation makes it necessary and that gives children confidence to be able to experiment safely ».
The test for parents
Doesn’t any style reflect your parenting mode? To get a more precise answer, it is even possible to take a test (in English), available on the site Psychcentral.com
The important thing, of course, whatever your style, is to celebrate the Global Day of Parents keeping in mind the only truth that no psychological expert or theory will ever deny: perfect parents, fortunately, do not exist. But love and awareness can make a difference.
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