Bad relationships – Why doesn’t he want to talk about the future?

Things obtained in 2021: in August, at the height of yet another quarrel on the usual issues, I tear his cohabitation away (he had been on a permanent basis with me for a year and a half, but he didn’t even have a pant here).

I’ll tell you, we’ve had a few peaceful months, the real one coexistence has put our history in order.

Christmas holidays a bit “meh” … do you know what the cake and the drunk wife wants? You have to spend the holidays with your parents, whether they ever get offended, but are you crazy to buy a new wardrobe? Let’s keep what you already had, let’s cram it with clothes and crease them well, may it never make me think that everything is becoming definitive.

An account together, even if not in a bank, in cash, for household expenses? What nonsense, please, pay as it comes, so much is the same.

The Christmas present? Not even a note, much “as I do not claim to receive gifts, so I do not” (I did, for the record).

Well on December 28th that he was a bit of an asshole for the gift story I then told him, eh, and I was told that he did not want to be trivial and then for a long time he had been thinking of giving me a big gift and in short maybe it will come later the imminent extinction of humans from planet earth (how much time wasted making them see Neverfull from the Vuitton website, fool me).

We spend early January in a beautiful hotel in the mountains, happy days, really, so much so that I after two glasses of wine I risk telling him that someday, who knows, I’d like us to get married, he and I alone, no party, no frills, no guests. He first niche, then he says “come on, that’s enough, I understand, it’s been a long time since I harassed myself with the wedding (never spoken before, ed) and then let me calm that we are on vacation, you won’t want to make me return the tachycardia, holy skies!

From there, epic scazzi. Maybe I’m wrong but I face him, I tell him outright that he can’t give me a pain in the ass because I manifest (not even ask) a legitimate desire, and I ask him what he thinks of us, what we will do in the future … because at 40, after two and a half years relationship, I still haven’t even figured out if she wants children. These are taboo subjects and can never be talked about.

He snorts, gets angry, hesitates, tries to throw away that we have already talked about it a thousand times (it’s not true, of course) and when he has no way out he says no, he doesn’t want any out of selfishness, he has no time to devote to others. He wants to go home from work in the evening and have no worries, and at night he wants to sleep peacefully. Who knows when he would have said it, not pressed.

You know Ester, on the one hand I understand. That’s the way it is, maybe I’ve always known it. He is a great selfish, like many males.

But why does one part of the couple always have to suffer the decisions of the other?

Why do your fears, your indecisions, weigh more than my will to build?

Why does the day never come when we can stop fighting?

Is it so rare to experience a simple situation? We are happy, we are in love, we have a beautiful house, two jobs that guarantee us total economic tranquility and also the space for whims .. what is holding us back from planning the future?

You know, I don’t expect you to come home tipsy and ask me if we’re getting married, but it would be enough for him to say, what do I know, “would you like to see us on Saturday for the TV that we always say we want to change?”

It would be enough for me, really, to see him involved in everyday life, because this is how the future is really built, while what we live seems to be a survival of a relationship, working, dining, watching a movie in the evening, without ever making a gesture out of place. No room for the exceptional.

Certain, there is certainly love, there is strong physical attraction, there is a lot of tenderness. Enough?

Can a story be nourished day after day, without impulses that go beyond the everyday?

Will this inertia eventually kill us?

I am in love, but I am afraid that, before long, the tiredness and the disappointment for this passivity will take over the feelings.

I hug you, you are precious

V.

Ester Viola’s answer

Dear V.,

If I understand correctly:

1) Everything is fine

2) “It’s okay” at a certain point it’s not enough for you anymore.

Certainties, we need more certainties. I have them. Better yet, I have a list. We should all be there.

There are:

a) Those whom love is all about.

b) Those whom love is nothing.

c) Those we are together, no matter how, I don’t even wonder, I’m happy like this

d) Those who want the matter not very private and very sworn in front of witnesses. It still means something, and how if it means, it is useless to be contemporary anti-bourgeois and say no. Because how do you pretend to feel love, if not with the official annoyances that you undertake to take on? A signature, you need a signature. Not to be a black couple. Pure to betray himself properly. Better the signature.

Considering that “A subjective phenomenon, for example romantic love, does not become, strictly speaking, ‘real’ until it takes its place in an objective structure” Jonathan Franzen wrote it somewhere, maybe it was ironic but it is not that’s the point.

e) Those who are not worthy without children. Lowering the prose to reality: the children are beautiful and are the public attestation of the continuation of goodwill between two who miraculously managed not to break up.

f) Those (plus: those) that children love them even before having them. It is a desire that cannot be understood. It has nothing to do with who to make them, the children: they love that creature they must have at any cost. They start getting worried at twenty-nine.

g) Those who do not want to hear about children: they have lived the life of the lemon until today, squeezed and squashed, they are already half-old and now they have the beginning of a life that they like. They certainly don’t intend to spend the last twenty good years that remain with a teenager.

h) Those who in such fluid times, indeed disintegrated, have stepped aside because frankly they don’t feel like it anymore. Farewell to love with no regrets. Chat, social, various on the internet. What Bauman did not have time to know about love but we did, is that online it is worse than liquid.

i) Those who fall in love at sixty stupid as if they were twenty.

j) Those who at twenty force themselves to fall in love as at forty, only with the right ones.

k) Those who do not care if we go hungry

l) Those who really do not want to starve and therefore also choose with those certain opportunistic criteria

m) Those who fall in love without love (they exist, prized breed)

n) Those who are very proud and at the first sgarro goodbye forever

o) Those who “goodbye” do not even know where they are at home in the dictionary.

Are you in the middle here, V.? I don’t know about you, I understand that it would be enough to recognize each other and take each other to be happy. Or even dissimilar, the important thing is to know without then getting into angry, recriminatory or punitive futures.

A whole humanity, V., and each one is following one thing. Just don’t get others to want what you want, then it gets a little easier. In short, slightly less a vertical wall. Easy is a big word these days. What I meant is that

the sentimental law has only one article, and the article says “Everything is worth it.” Who knows if it’s better or worse than “Nothing’s working.”

Read here all the bad relationships of Ester Viola.

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