“At the time of writing I am faced with an inhumane choice: clippers on it or not? I’m giving you a peek inside my mind today. And yes, they really go in all directions.
My hair loss has worsened for 1.5 years, but the choice for a hairpiece or the clippers always seemed far away. In the last quarter of 2021 I just didn’t know what happened to me. My hair loss got even worse (I didn’t know it was still possible). After weeks of misery, the outage suddenly stopped. Suddenly, abruptly. In retrospect a great gift, because this meant no hair loss during my wedding! But how? Probably because after a year of not taking a pill, I started taking this again (on the advice of the doctors who diagnosed me with PCOS). The pill contains female hormones that I am deficient in. So party! Or not?
Even more hair loss
Three weeks after my wedding the hair loss started again. And did I think it couldn’t get any worse than in the fall of 2021? Anyway. Since a little less than two months, entire forests have fallen out. On my pillow, with the washing, while brushing. So the pill was not the solution after all. Or well, not a sustainable one. But what now?
Quite honestly, I just don’t know. And when I’m drowning in my sorrow, that’s all I can cry out, “I don’t know, I don’t know!” and ‘I just can’t take this anymore’. But yes, time is ticking and life doesn’t stand still because I feel shit. So I’m forced to pull it. And then the dilemmas follow. A hairpiece or not? And what to do with my own hair? The hairpiece has now been purchased. I’m still in the process of getting used to this, so I’ll take you through that story another time. But what to do with my own hair?
There are many factors that influence this decision. Let’s start with the hair loss confrontation. This is the main reason to get the clippers out of the closet. I can finally bury the hatchet. No more tears while washing hair, no more hours spent wiping and vacuuming the hair everywhere and especially no more images of clumps of hair that I lose that cause panic in me.
hair clipper
The comfort of wearing the hairpiece will probably also improve. Now the hairpiece presses my own hair flat as it were and there are two sliding combs attached in the hair. Both cause hair pain. Do I have no hair underneath at all? Then the hairpiece will not only ‘slide’ less, but can also be attached with a small tape. And because the need for combs and the hairs are not squashed, the hair pain will probably decrease.
And the last, but arguably most important argument for taking this step comes from my husband. Like a true Delft citizen (who are rather solution-oriented) he says: ‘Can you take it off? Then we can build again from then on, because it doesn’t get any worse than that.’ He so desperately wants to create light again at the end of that tunnel. Both for me and for himself. And when it’s all gone, it can only get better. For example, because I get used to wearing my hairpiece, to my new appearance and just dare to walk the street with my bald head, or my hair becomes healthier and grows back again. Will I learn to accept this blackest scenario? Then I can take on life again! Sounds pretty appealing right?
Reflection
But then we have the other side of the coin. The mirror shows me what I look like without her. I put my hands over my hair and look at a monster. At least that’s what I see. I already know I’m going to find myself horrible without her. My oval face is wrong, my big nose, my wrinkles, the dimple in my chin and I could go on and on. I’m afraid. Afraid that I will never get used to my new appearance and never dare to go out on the street again.
Since I don’t feel 100% sure about my hair work yet, I don’t see that as a good escape either. My psychologist very wisely says: ‘You don’t have to walk two paths at the same time.’ By this he means getting used to the hairpiece at the same time as removing my hair. This may be just a bit too much for now. Too big a step. When I feel more comfortable with the hairpiece, the step to shave my head may be easier. But then we also have hope. Which I don’t want to feel, but is there. The hope that it might decrease again: the hair loss. And do I have trimmed hair? Then it will take years before I have reached some height again.
For now we do next to nothing, just cut a small piece off, but just long enough to be able to put it on. And is it getting thinner every day and bald spots still appear? Then maybe the choice to take it off will be made for me.”
Follow Anne’s daily struggles via @hairtrouwdmetanne on Instagram.