THEChristmas makes you feel like a child again. At least emotionally speaking. It’s called Christmas regressionas it was called by the Americans, and indicates an emotional, and sometimes also practical, behavior that affects everyone. That is to say, react exactly like when you were a child to certain behaviors and attitudes. The reason? Christmas, when we are all together, brings out the childish side of everyone because brings hidden dynamics to the surface. And everything comes back to light.
Christmas lunch and Christmas regression, when the same dynamics are recreated
It’s a classic. We all find ourselves at the table together and, suddenly, the dynamics of the past re-emerge. If as a child you were the lazy one you were immediately treated in the same way, if you were considered shy today little has changed in the opinion of your relatives, if you suffered the pranks of your older brothers it still happens today. When he returns to his childhood home for Christmas, everything comes back to light. Even the most negative aspects. Americans, who love to label everything, call it Christmas regression and it is a psychological and emotional phenomenon that affects practically everyone and leads us to act and react like when we were little. And it doesn’t matter if you have changed and evolved in the meantime. There is no escape from the phenomenon, unless you return home.
«The Christmas regression is one normal and common sensation, which lasts only a few days. Furthermore, it tells us a lot how much the emotional roots, even if invisible, continue to live. It’s something that many of us experience, perhaps without realizing it. During the holidays, we may feel more emotional or react like we did as children. It doesn’t mean going back to being small, but letting yourself be involved in an atmosphere that recalls many emotional memories. Christmas, with its rituals, scents and habits, takes us back to moments of our growth that remain imprinted within us. As, even if in everyday life we are adults and independent, in this period we can feel more vulnerable, more in search of confirmationalmost as if the past was making itself felt again” explains the Dr. Beatrice Manfrè, developmental and educational psychologistalso available on MioDottore which continues «Childhood dynamics they are reactivated because Christmas presents the environment in which those same dynamics were born. We rediscover places, rhythms and ways of being together that belong to our family history.”
The automatism of certain dynamics
As the expert explains, the phenomenon is completely normal. When we all meet together, all those dynamics that have always characterized everyone’s family life are reactivated. That’s how it is well-recognizable roles re-emerge: who is who’s “pet”, who has always been willing to mediate, who is the provocateur of the family. Not to mention that the same conversations and even the same discussions can be rekindled.
«When we get together, these roles resurface almost automatically, because they are the relational grammar that everyone knows. As explained by Donald Winnicott, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, in his essay Game and realitythe regression represents a temporary return to infantile emotional modes when the context reactivates deep needs for protection and belonging». In other words, it is neither a question of immaturity nor of being too emotional: it simply automatically reproduces the family organization that has always been. And maybe it can be narrow though.
Why do we return to the roles of the past?
But why does all this resurface? Simply because old ways of thinking and feeling that characterized our childhood re-emerge: «For example, someone may feel they always have to be perfect, someone else avoids conflicts to maintain peace, or there are those who put the needs of others before their own for fear of disappointing. These ways of dealing with emotions, that is the way we manage what we feel in different daily situations, remain with us even as adults, ready to reactivate in certain family contexts».
At times like Christmas, the bringing certain dynamics to the surface can arouse strong emotional reactionsif not intense: the reaction is not a response to today’s situation but to what we may have suffered in the past and which has resurfaced today.
How to manage Christmas regression
«First of all it is useful to recognize it. Noticing when an old part of us is activating allows us to distance ourselves from it and choose a more current response. Preparing in advance can make all the difference: asking ourselves which situations tend to put us in difficulty and what resources we have today to deal with them in a new way, in an adult way. During the days together, it is important carve out personal spaces – even brief ones – to stay in touch with yourself. Sometimes all it takes is a walk, a break in a different room, a moment of silence. Introducing small changes into family rituals, such as distributing tasks differently or proposing an activity that belongs to adult life, can lighten the usual dynamics. And above all, remember that this phenomenon is common and physiological: it is not a sign of weakness, but the way in which our history is intertwined with the present».