Hthey have everything, absolutely everything, on their shoulders. Mental and economic burden. But also decisions to make, anxieties and dreams for children, homework, washing machines, bills. They are the parents of single-parent families. Widowed, separated, single because the other has not recognized the children or because the ex does not cooperate as he should. They are above all mothers, that is, women struggling with loneliness and the strength that only love knows. Eva Manzato, 48 years old, is one of these. She was living in Las Palmas de Gran Canaria when she fell in love with a Nigerian living in Paris and on holiday on the island. After a year of travels she becomes pregnant with Elsa, a desired child. He doesn’t reach her even when she is hospitalized for two months during her pregnancy in Venice, her city.
Single-parent families are families
«I moved because I had a family, my own house and a car. I had more guarantees but I felt very alone after four years of living abroad” she says. When Elsa, who is now seven years old, is born, Eva becomes a single parent. «I looked for a part-time job to spend more time with my daughter and I changed Elsa’s surname to give her mine. The father tried to move but then returned to France and never sent a euro” says Eva. He founded “Single moms traveling”, a community dedicated to mothers who want to share time togetherand “Free Dreams”, an association that also offers free legal and psychological advice and other activities. “I tried to make mothers like me feel less different, as well as less alone.”
Specialized travel agencies for single mothers
Many they call it “parental inadequacy”and it is the sensation, as well as the fatigue, of not feeling up to the task of dealing with all the external pressures, a loneliness that makes you feel cut off from many things for reasons that are often economic but also logistical. Sometimes instead just for the “embarrassment” of feeling different… It’s the reason why Daniela Mugnai created “Single Parents Holidays”a travel agency that organizes packages for families who share the same problems but that no one will talk about on holiday. «I had an agency that offered packages to everyone but at a certain point requests from single parents exceeded all others exponentially and I changed my target” says Daniela, also a single mother.
When the family is “child plus parent”, in eight out of 10 cases the adult is a woman (Getty)
We no longer say “single mother”
We leave together, or to feel good, we just tell each other. Some do it on Smallfamiliesan observatory that welcomes stories of all kinds (there are already 160) and also launches projects in schools (from which the book was born “Family our way“, Cinquesensi publisher). “I have a 24-year-old daughter who I raised alone. When she was born I thought I had to do something for others like me because compared to Europe there wasn’t much in Italy. 13 years have passed since then and some things have changed” she says Gisella Bassanini, creator with Michele Giulini and Erika Freschi.
«Single parents, who are over 80 percent mothers, are less stigmatized today. We no longer say “single mother”, and it is not irrelevant. That said, this family typology continues to be absent from public policies. Even today there are many cases in which, just to give an example, the family discount is only applied in the presence of two parents + children. For more than 10 years we have been advocating that there should be a “1+” discount (one parent + child or children) even in high season. The lack of consideration is also evident in the case of the Single Allowance (economic support for families with dependent children, attributed to each child up to 21 years of age, ed.). We have recently launched a collective appeal and we support single parents who have been widowed for more than 5 years and who have not received the increase (which instead is due to widowers for less than 5 years, ed.). There is a lot of cultural work to be done and that’s why we created smALLbooks, a series of autobiographical stories to leave room for the fact that there is no single familiar geometry.”
Does the financial institution support fathers and single mothers?
Variable geometry, therefore. And our thoughts immediately go to Michela Murgia, and to the “queer”, non-traditional family that we choose for ourselves. In England, the trend is now to share apartments between one parental family. Either to amortize the rent, or because tenants tend not to accept single mothers as tenants. “Mommunes” were born in the USAa community where only mothers live who help and support each other. And in Italy? «Single mothers have a very high risk of poverty» specifies Chiara Saraceno, sociologist. «Here women are already at a disadvantage when they live with another parent, because they do not share the care work and have lower salaries. If they remain alone the disadvantage doubles. Shared custody is poorly respected, maintenance payments never arrive, absences of the other parent. In the draft Finance Law there is a voice that aims to support the figure of separated fathers but there is nothing about mothers. The idea of protecting fathers is emerging everywhere, and it is very striking that they are considered the weakest subjects when in fact the data on poverty only concern women. Maybe it would be better push separated men towards greater co-responsibility given that they also use the idea of equality against women. “You work so hard too, you wanted the child too, and now you even have the house”», adds Saraceno.
He adds: «However, the surrounding signals are ambiguous. A short time later, the Court of Cassation accepted the appeal of a homosexual family who requested double parenthood, and rejected that of a single mother who had assisted procreation abroad. Why can a single woman become a mother if she becomes pregnant by a man who does not recognize the child and not with PMA? We are still among the last countries in Europe for the female employment ratean injustice that complicates every solitude.”
The strong need for a “plan B”
If mothers are the ones who always take care of everything, when they are left alone they become invisible caregivers. In Italy, single-parent families are on the increase: three million, says Istat, with an increase of 15 percent in the last 10 years. «I have experienced many care challenges throughout my career but above all I have collected stories of many people who every day have to deal with the lack of a “plan B” in case of unexpected events in the office», says Anna Benini, creator of LianeCare, a welfare platform for companies that want to consider the needs of all caregivers, including single parents. «Sensitivity on the topic is growing, but many policies are still designed for “traditional” models. Single parents need predictability, organizational flexibility and quick access to reliable services. Through the portal, companies can map real needs, activate care services and access solutions quickly and easily. We are in contact with a network of over 20 thousand experts to provide care and assistance services close to where people live and work. From psychological therapy to legal and social orientation to last minute nanny» he adds. «Companies that have adopted more inclusive solutions for single parents report greater operational stability, a reduction in last-minute emergencies and greater loyalty of these people, who are often among the most motivated but also most exposed to organizational stress» he concludes.
A fairy tale can help
There is an image that Donal Ryan, an award-winning Irishman and two-time Booker Prize finalist, has described well in his latest book “The queen of the mud island” (Fazi): a woman shows up at a house and asks for news about a minor who would have been left alone while the single mother is away for work. The mother explains that it’s not true but is then summoned to an office together with her daughter and the novel goes on. Like life for that matter. With the disappointment of not having enough time and money for the children and that of wanting to do it for two (without succeeding).
“Sometimes sharing a decision for a child with someone would mean halving the burden of a day” writes a mother on OneParent, an Italian community of single parents who also invent fairy tales to explain to your children what it means to live in an OP (one parent) family. That is, everything is often more difficult except one thing: being calm. The children of singles, we read in a Save the Children report, they tend to be more responsible and mature, starting from childhood. All this would derive from the fact that, despite being young, they are able to understand the difficulties that the parent faces every day, to guarantee them economic and emotional stability.
Single mothers, a healthy family regardless
The sense of gratitude, sometimes even unconscious, pushes them to be more collaborative at home, to accept “no” better, to understand their parents’ moments of difficulty. Without saying that, as Chiara Saraceno reiterates in The natural family does not exist (Later), a family is healthy regardless of how many and which parents make it up, and it can always become something else: a family made up of two single parents. Or a family loved forever and despite everything.
«I remember that you didn’t buy clothes for us / You save to take us five days to Paris» sings Achille Lauro in “Cristina”, the song dedicated to his mother because “it’s only, yes, thanks to you that it’s us.”