Mother: “Our 19-year-old daughter suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. She is treated for this, but still calls regularly when things go wrong again. She is often very depressed because she has those attacks. It has been going on for about a year now. I think it is related to the major changes in her life (studying in another city).”
“Yet her training suits her. I calm her down with: ‘Look at the horizon, breathe calmly’, and try to listen as much as possible and give as little advice as possible. She already has to do so much, also from herself. But not always saying: ‘Wouldn’t you…’ is quite difficult. It seems to be mainly triggered by teaching situations and the fear that she cannot do something, that she does not add anything and that everyone else is better. How do I best help her?”
The Parented section is anonymous, because difficulties in parenting are sensitive. Would you like to present a dilemma in education? Send your questions or comments to [email protected]
Support quietly
Anke Klein: “As a parent, you are not alone in this. Many students suffer from panic and gloom. Major life changes, such as studying and moving out of home, trigger a greater sensitivity to this. life event is exciting for a young person.”
“When a child calls in a panic, it is nice if the parent takes the time and listens calmly. If what she says and feels is not trivialized, or does not need to be fixed immediately. You are already doing that very well.”
“You can consider discussing with your daughter in a quiet moment how you can best support her. Try to find out through questions what she needs.”
“We know from research that it helps with sadness and anxiety to do fun things together. You can suggest going shopping together, drinking tea somewhere, or something else that you like to do together.”
“Is there someone who can guide you in this? This requires quite a bit from parents. You could, for example, consult with your GP.”
Co-regulate
Tischa Neve: “It’s good that your daughter has professional help. This is a tough time for young people who are anxious. Society demands a lot from them. There is also a suspicion that the corona period has made part of this age group a bit more wobbly.”
“How wonderful that she calls you at such a time, it means that she feels safe with you. Speak calmly, breathe calmly, use connecting language: ‘I’m here darling.’ This co-regulation will help your daughter relax. Convincing that she has nothing to be afraid of, or pointing out achievements makes no sense at that moment. She does not register such messages. Her brain is on alarm mode.”
“Check in with yourself when she calls: how am I feeling? Am I able to convey calmness, or am I completely overstimulated?”
“Once she has calmed down in the conversation, you can mention the things that helped her before. For example: ‘Last time it helped you to go for a nice walk.’ Agree that she will text you when she feels better, even if it is an emoticon.”
“At a calmer moment you can talk to her about her beliefs. You can also say that you are so sorry that she is having a hard time that you would like to take it away. You can ask your daughter: I would like to be there for you, what do you need at such a time? And have you learned anything about that from the therapy?”
Anke Klein is director of the knowledge center for anxiety and stress in youth at Leiden University. Tischa Neve is a child psychologist. She just published Become the parent you want to be.
Responding to this article is only possible with a subscription. If you already have a subscription, log in below.
NEW: Give this item as a gift
As an NRC subscriber you can subscribe every month 10 items give as a gift to someone without an NRC subscription. The recipient can read the article directly, without a paywall.