Losing a child to suicide after years of psychological struggle; It is an immense loss that cannot be captured in words. Nevertheless, Mireille Verhoof from Bavel and Conny Langen from Teteringen give words to the loss of their child when you found the silence. Together with eight other parents who lost a child to suicide, they hope to support fellow sufferers and give perspective. “The love for your child is woven into every fiber of your body,” says Conny.
With her long brown hair, radiant eyes and broad smile, Milou seemed like a carefree adolescent, just like peers. “She was sweet, sporty and caring. She was full of dreams and went through life singing and dancing,” says mother Mireille.
Until the moment Milou no longer wanted things. She suffered from misunderstood aches and isolated herself further and further. More and more dark thoughts haunted Milou’s head. “She described it as a monster in her head, which meant that she was not allowed to exist,” says Mireille.
Milou spoke very openly about her psychological problems and dark thoughts. Not only with her parents, but also with the many care providers they visited in a period of more than six years.
Talking about thoughts to suicide helps. You can call Stichting 113 Suicide Prevention 24 hours a day (free and anonymously) via 0800 0113, or chat via 113.nl.
Yet Milou did not always feel understood. “She sometimes said, Mama, people say they listen, but they don’t really listen.” After various treatments, the situation began to feel more and more hopeless. Mireille felt powerless as a mother.
“We saw that she could no longer, but what we saw was only a fraction of what she had to go through every day,” she says. Milou wanted to give it one more chance with intensive trauma treatment, but when this treatment did not help, she expressed her wish: going in a humane way.
“If it doesn’t work anymore, you want to stay next to me.”
“If it doesn’t work anymore, you want to stay next to me,” she asked her parents. And they did that when Milou found peace in her head a year and a half ago at the age of 17 through euthanasia.
“It’s something unnatural, because no one parent wants to lose his child. But we saw her fight every day and after several suicide attempts we took into account that we would lose her,” says Mireille.
A loss that not many people can imagine if they have not experienced it themselves. Mireille finds a lot of understanding with mother Conny Langen from Teteringen. She lost her son Sander 21 years ago at the age of fourteen to suicide after years of harassment.
“You notice that they do not know how to give themselves an attitude when you talk about the loss of your child. In the supermarket they turn the shopping cart around so that they don’t have to start a conversation,” says Conny.
Together with eight other parents, the mothers wrote down their experiences in the book ‘When you found the silence’. The ‘Never Beyond Foundation’ linked the parents to each other.
“I hope that with the book we give the psychological suffering of our children a face, so that families where this plays talk about it and feel understood,” says Mireille. Talking about the loss feels like a way to keep Milou and Sander close by.
“Sander remains part of our family forever.”
“The love for your child is intertwined in every fiber of your body. Sander remains part of our family and our lives forever,” says Conny. It is precisely that talking about their child is sometimes difficult with outsiders, the mothers notice.
“Sometimes you meet new people. When I tell them about Sander for the first time, I know I am a bomb drop. Sometimes I tell them that I will tell more about it later, so that it can sink with them,” she says. Mireille also recognizes this. “You already feel so lonely and sad and you may want to tell you how you are doing.”
The mothers hope that many people read the book to learn what you can do for someone who loses a child to suicide. “I’m there for these people and see what they need. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything, but you just have to be there. Or not only send a Christmas card, but also on a birthday or day of death,” Mireille proposes.
The ten parents who share their experiences in the book have at least found each other as fellow sufferers to process the loss of their children.
‘When you found the silence’ from Wednesday, World Suicid Prevention Day, is for sale through the Never Foundation.