The Russian leader wants to convince his compatriots that his struggle in Ukraine has worldwide support.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, leader of Russia: “I hereby declare this Extraordinary Ukraine Conference open. I greet all guests 20 meters away at this long table, and all viewers from Volokolamsk to Vladivostok. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some of your foreign lies believe that I have started a senseless war in Ukraine that is condemned worldwide. This conference live from the Kremlin will teach you that my limited military operation against drug-addicted Nazis has worldwide support. First, I want to give the floor to one of the greatest leaders of our time, one of our most important pillars of support, a man who…’
Aleksandr Grigorjevich Lukashenko, leader of Belarus: Thank you Vladimir Vladimirovich, you have my support! May I ask if I can borrow the Russian Air Force for a while? I have had ten thousand protesters locked up. It is now restless in my prisons. The best thing to do is just bomb those prison buildings…’
Putin: ‘Owl chick! Rough monkey of the kolkhoz! I didn’t want to give you the floor at all! Sorry viewers. Men with sawdust in their heads always talk out of turn. I’ll quickly move on to introduce a leader who does have brains, a leader who has been defying the enemy in a completely different part of the world since 2013…’
Nicolas Maduro, leader of Venezuela: ‘At your service† Comrade Putin. But don’t forget: for what belongs what. Since you waged war in Ukraine, you have stopped sending me money. And with the ruble plummeting, your Russians on my beaches can no longer afford their cocktails. I don’t intend to give you free gifts for the rest of the year…’
Putin: ‘Damn it! First I’m interrupted by a mustachioed brat from Minsk, then by a clumsy mustache from South America! For all ladies who follow this broadcast: it is and remains beware of men with mustaches. The leader I announce has no mustache and is not half illiterate, you can safely call him learned…’
Thierry Baudet, leader of Forum for Democracy: ‘Gratias tibi ago, beautiful guy Putin! I get that you want to hear my voice. Mundus fills decipi, ergo decipiatur…’
Putin: ‘Stop!!! Can someone from the security department get this creature out of the room? Good heavens, some figures are so vain that they no longer have a sense of the ridiculous. I don’t trust Western Europeans who support me anyway. What are you left with when even Signore Salvini and Madame Le Pen distance themselves from you? Exactly: lazy of the lowest cast. Fortunately, my struggle in Ukraine is also supported by people who are not the scum of the world.
‘I now give the floor to the most visionary Chinese leader since Mao, the leader who binds all of Europe through Alibaba.com, the leader of the second most important country in the world, after Russia that is! He couldn’t be here for security reasons, but you can see him live on that big screen. May I give a thunderous round of applause to the General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, the one and only Xi Jinping!’
Xi Jinping: †
Lukashenko: “The screen is black Vladimir Vladimirovich. I think our good old Soviet engineering is failing us like an elderly Lada again.’
maduro: “I don’t think you should have said that China is the second most important country, Comrade Putin. Now you’ve stepped on his little yellow cock.’