6 keys to not fight constantly

“Enjoy while you can, after adolescence comes and the good stuff ends!”. How many times have we heard this phrase and many more that go along the same lines? And it is an undeniable reality: that our children reach adolescence terrifies us.

Ángel Peralbo, psychologist and writer of books such as “Your son is not your enemy”, believes that one of the main mistakes that mothers and fathers make is “anticipating adolescence in a negative way”. In order to shed some light on us to cope with this vital stage in the best possible way, the psychologist offers us 6 keys that we must take into account. Prepare paper and pen!

The problem is not adolescence, but anticipating it negatively

Ángel Peralbo explains that, of course, “the reality of adolescence is much more complex, it is more difficult And, obviously, it is associated with more worries than almost any other stage of life. Therefore, it is a stage of change, it is a stage that goes against what has happened up to that moment & rdquor ;.

However, although this is the objective part associated with adolescence, “the real problem is not so much adolescence, but rather the anticipation process, because parents have been negatively anticipating what will happen to their adolescent children & rdquor ;, points out the psychologist. And he adds: “This is a problem because the brain is primed to better handle difficult situations when they arrive that when they have not yet arrived & rdquor ;.

In other words, when we anticipate what we think is going to happen, “emotions such as fear arise, which becomes a constant fear, what is going to happen to us. weaken and predispose. In addition, we also have to keep in mind that the experiences of others do not have to be ours. We cannot recharge ourselves and let ourselves be conditioned by the experiences of other people & rdquor ;.

How to communicate with them if they refuse to talk?

Another key aspect that emerges in adolescence is communication (or, rather, the lack of it). It is difficult to communicate with someone when they shut down or hide things from us. For this reason, Ángel Peralbo advises us that “the first thing is to ask ourselves the question as fathers and mothers about What communication channels are we using? Perhaps we will realize that we are using interrogations, asking again and again in an insistent way about the same issues & rdquor ;.

It is also important that let’s review our non-verbal languagebecause it may be that the one we use when we ask questions is “linked to emotions negative. If we don’t change the repertoire of strategies, we’re going to get very little from teenagers.”

It is possible to relate to teenagers without yelling

It’s hard, yes. Sometimes we lose our temper and end up arguing with them and raising our voices. We don’t have to beat ourselves up about it either. But it is also true that being aware of this, we can use other communication strategies that do not end in yelling and exhaustionboth for them and for us.

To achieve this, Peralbo refers to two key steps: “The first, the conviction. The first thing we should do is convince ourselves that it is a good idea not to yell, that is, accept that when we yell we are using an automated response that is linked to basic emotions such as anger & rdquor ;.

And, secondly, “we must work it, because conviction is not enough. We have to train the management of an alternative type of communication, from which we can speak much more slowly and sweeten the language we use with them. This is very important.”

Therefore, “if we are convinced, if we are aware and if we train that response a little, we are going to win a lot & rdquor ;.

Your son is not your enemy, but… can it be your friend?

“To the fathers and mothers who pretend to be friends with their children, I would say, first of all, that they will never achieve it. And second: thank goodness! & rdquor ;, points out Ángel Peralbo.

Because really, in the end, “our children don’t need more friends, and even if they do need them, even in that case they shouldn’t act like that. Among other things, because being a father or mother is something much more global than being a friendaddresses issues that are incompatible with a friendship role & rdquor ;.

In addition, the psychologist adds that “you have to learn to maintain a balance between always being emotionally close – more than friends – and, on the other hand, being in charge of teaching them limits they need to learnbecause then life is going to put them on yes or yes & rdquor ;.

limits are necessary

“Values ​​can only be worked on if certain frameworks are established from which they can develop those values ​​and make them their own,” says Ángel Peralbo. Therefore, despite the fact that sometimes we think that “they are already grown-ups & rdquor ;, even so they need us and they need us to put certain limits on them.

However, “we must bear in mind that they are at an age to resist and that it is very likely that they will do so in the face of the limits that we try to put on them. So that, the possibility of conflict does not have to stop us. Yes, it is true that, if there are high levels of conflict, we will have to work to minimize them & rdquor ;, concludes the psychologist.

Let’s change the perspective and reflect

It is important that we keep in mind that what our children tell us has not so much to do with what they think but with what they feel at that moment.

That is why, when they tell us “I hate you”, we have to stop and reflect and focus on what that phrase comes from the emotional state in which our son is at that moment and, therefore, what he is really transmitting is not hatred towards us, but frustration, anger, disappointment…

Because, let’s stop and think for a moment, do we really believe that our children hate us or think that we are the worst? Ángel Peralbo assures that, due to his experience with adolescents, “they are very far from thinking that”.