Dilemma
You work hard as an employee, but it feels like your manager never or rarely notices or acknowledges – let alone appreciates – your contributions. You feel invisible to your boss because he or she doesn’t seem to see what you are doing. This can result in frustration, demotivation or even cynicism. What can you do to prevent this and show your value to the team?
Patterns
Industrial psychologist and mediator Belinda Maagd (59) regularly encounters this situation in her work. “Such a thing often arises from certain behavioral patterns. These are very different, but you can think of people who do a lot for others, are loyal and close gaps that no one else wants to fill. If you do your very best, but others do not mention this because they may take it for granted, this can lead to tensions. People can suffer from this to such an extent that they can no longer function as they want.”
Trainer and influence expert at Bureau Zuidema Tim Nonnekes (40) recommends first examining your own behavior and feelings when you feel unseen. “That’s where it starts: which patterns do you recognize in yourself and how visible do you make your own contributions?” he says. “Then you can investigate where there is a problem: are mutual expectations not expressed, is appreciation not explicitly organized or is it simply not talked about?”
This does not mean that if the employee experiences a lack of appreciation, this is not his or her fault. It is important that he or she knows where this feeling comes from before he or she raises this with the chef. “Your feeling is always right,” says Belinda Maagd. “But the thought you attach to it could be completely wrong.” A danger is that you fill in what someone else thinks without consulting them; that you assume that your manager does not appreciate your efforts without asking him or her.
“We are often very concerned with what is going on in others, but we are almost always wrong,” says Virgo. “We interpret the verbal and non-verbal behavior of others, but in a way that has more to do with how we think than with how the other person does. We still cannot see into other people’s heads.”
We are often very concerned with what is going on in others, but we are almost always wrong
That is why, according to both Maagd and Nonnekes, it is important that the employee in question enters into a conversation with the manager, that this happens on time and that the feelings are expressed correctly. “Sometimes an employee who is struggling with something thinks that managers are not receptive to such a conversation,” says Maagd. “Then it is also important to gather courage and take that step anyway. Only then will you break the circle, instead of getting stuck in it.” Nonnekes agrees with this. “If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, the frustration will continue.”
When you actually take the time to have such a conversation, it is fundamental that the first step is to tell what is going on in your mind, without immediately making reproaches or accusations. “Try to describe your feeling with words. People cannot say that your feeling is wrong,” says Virgo. “For example, say: I have the feeling that my work is not appreciated and that makes me feel very insecure. How do you view my work? That is completely different from saying: you do not appreciate my work! That is an accusation, a reproach, while it is about saying what is bothering you and what you are concerned about.”
Nonnekes also advises staying close to yourself. “When you make yourself vulnerable, it is a very nice way to start a conversation.” He also emphasizes that it is good to be clear. “Ultimately, it’s all about making expectations explicit: what are your expectations and what expectations does your manager have of you? Be sure to mention your need to be seen.”
Sound the alarm on time
Because this is a sensitive issue, it is important to sound the alarm to your manager in time. Unfortunately, this does not always happen, Nonnekes notes. “People start saving up ‘points’ in which they do not feel seen or heard. At a certain point this turns into anger and sometimes even aggression, which immediately puts you in a very nasty situation,” he says. “If you see this feeling as a bucket that is filling up more and more, it is better to throw a few drops out every now and then instead of waiting for it to overflow and the dissatisfaction to come out in the form of an outburst.”
Virgo often sees this happen in practice. “It is best to start the conversation straight away, but what often happens is that people first seek redress from colleagues,” she says. “If they recognize the complaint, the problem is made worse and images and opinions arise that are often far from the truth.”
Virgo finds it tragic that it often comes to this. People almost never have bad intentions, she explains, but they lack certain skills. “Fortunately, as mediators we are increasingly being approached to train people who work together to show how to prevent such conflicts,” she says. “Managers and employees both benefit from becoming more skilled at communicating about such personal struggles.”
When you receive appreciation, you feel better about yourself and you do your work better
This applies not only to personal well-being, but also to the work itself. “In the end, we get the most out of it when we receive compliments and appreciation,” says Virgo. Nonnekes agrees with this. “When you receive appreciation, you feel better about yourself and you do your work better.”
So
If you feel that your work is not seen or appreciated, try not to save the annoyance about it. Investigate how this feeling arose and discuss it with your manager, without blaming him or her. After such a conversation, both parties must know what they specifically expect from each other and everyone can focus on their work again, in a healthy, professional environment.
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