It was two months after my relationship of almost a decade had ended. I stood naked in front of the mirror in my new house.
The light entered this house slightly differently than in my old house. And I spotted at least five new gray hairs. I sighed. That too. I studied myself further. How would ‘new’ eyes see me?
Heartbroken
I saw a body that really looked different than it did when I was forty. It’s true what they say: everything sinks, except your gums. Fortunately, I still exercise regularly. So I am still strong and in good proportion. But still…
My breasts are still beautiful, but not as prominent as they used to be. My stomach? I didn’t know wrinkles could get there too. And even though I am quite confident, I didn’t want to think about being in bed with a complete stranger again. I was also a bit heartbroken.
I had barely accepted my own aging. How uncomfortable would I feel if someone else looked at me and perhaps judged me? And there was also the question of whether I could feel desirable again.
Editor Sabine (56) is in the autumn of her life: ‘My happiness certainly does not depend on whether or not I am in a relationship’
Wild makeout party
After a few months of being single, I noticed that age is not an issue at all. I was still well positioned in the market. And with that my old bravado returned.
The heartbreak was over after three months. I had even had a first real date with a new man. It ended with a wild make-out in an alley.
Very adolescent, in the middle of the city. With panting, pushing against each other and hands disappearing under clothes. It was clear that the next date with him would end in sex. So I met up at my house later that month.
This required consultation with friends. I just like talking about these kinds of adventures. A number of friends have been in relationships for years. But there are also a few who, like me, became single again after the age of fifty.
Girlfriend A really didn’t want to think about being intimate with a man again. Her ideas about sex don’t match mine anyway. For her, sex with her ex-husband was a so-called ‘task’ that was sometimes ticked off. And for the last five years of her marriage, they barely had sex anyway. Her bad luck is that he was her childhood sweetheart.
She had barely shared a bed with others before him and therefore never learned how fun and enjoyable sex can be. She had never had an orgasm in all those years together! I really would have given her a better lover.
Beyond the shame
How different I am in that match myself. My sex life was more than alive until the breakup with the last long-term lover. Satisfying, loving. We even had sex the day we decided to break up.
So it wasn’t all about that. But still, so soon after the breakup, it felt exciting to literally expose myself to someone else again.
Girlfriend B had had several lovers during the past single period. Very dull, but also very fun. She too had felt some embarrassment when she undressed the first time.
But after her third new sex date she came to the conclusion that the fuss about her appearance is really so uninteresting. She is completely beyond shame.
Nice and important
So the guy from the alley came to my house for the second date. I wasn’t in love with him, but I really liked him. He kissed wonderfully, looked nice and was especially looking forward to me.
We were supposed to go out for dinner, but that didn’t work out. We ended up in bed. He peeled me out of my dress, kissed me and kissed my body. Said he was into me, found me exciting…
And me? I didn’t think about anything anymore, except having fun with him. I was not at all concerned with my stomach wrinkles or the skin that was no longer tight enough around my body. Very important too.
I fully embraced my old motto that I am usually the only naked woman in the room during sex. The other person will just have to make do. And if not, then not.
Madeleine (40) works as a buyer for a sex shop: ‘I also give penis and yoni massage workshops’
Not always magical
The fact that I had sex for the first time with someone for whom I had no amorous feelings was also new. That way of making love is different, I experienced. For example, it was a little more orgasm-oriented from me. I got what I wanted out of it, without much consideration for the other person.
My expectations were also different. For example, the next day I was not at all concerned with whether or not I would receive a message from him. That insecure thing when you really like someone and you’re not sure if they share those feelings can really make you maddeningly shaky.
I would see about it and just continued with my day. And yes, he texted that he thought this was worth repeating. Well, fine.
But how differently I was raised. My mother was stunned that I was having sex with men I wasn’t in love with. Her information booklet said that you ‘save’ yourself for the one and only. Or at least only sleep with men you find more than fantastic.
Well, she has been married to the same woman for sixty years. And it can work for you. But I am proof that it can also be very nice without deep love.
And don’t get me wrong: I also know how nice it is when you love someone to the core. But sex is also just sex. It is not always that exciting, special or magical.
I let it happen
To get an idea of whether men can also have insecure feelings about their bodies, I interviewed some lovers in different age categories who also shape their lives by flirting and dating.
The most striking thing they told me was that they were convinced that both ‘parties’ are uncertain in advance. But for them it disappears as soon as you actually end up in bed together.
The man in his fifties indicated that, in his opinion, men often develop an arrogant kind of self-consciousness. This gives them the much-needed confidence to perform sexually.
An erection problem or inability to ejaculate after the age of fifty is more common than you think, he explained. And of course you can’t also use a complex about your fifty-year-old belly, I added.
The almost forty-year-old saw it more simply: in his view, the man ‘takes’ a woman. So in the end he is not concerned with his appearance at all, but with his decisiveness. Good.
I noticed, after a few other male conversations, that they are a lot more confident about their appearance. From a social point of view, they place much less emphasis on appearance. Beauty ideals are mainly about women. And young, slim and tight skin are inseparable from that.
Men are often raised with the idea that they should not complain about their appearance. Women are more likely to feel watched and judged. For women, appearance remains a focus point for much longer, partly due to social expectations.
So I also suffered from that. Two years ago I literally wondered if I would be beautiful enough naked for someone I share a bed with. And I’ve figured that out now. It’s downright moronic to even ask that. Why wouldn’t you be good enough for someone else? At most you are not to each other’s taste. And then you don’t end up in bed together.
Exciting apps
As far as I’m concerned, the run-up to sex consists of completely different things than just your appearance. The first click you have with someone is quite primary. How does someone take care of themselves? How do I feel next to him? How does he respond to me in conversations? And very important: can I even get it on with him?
And then the exciting texts, flirty glances, fun dinners or drinks come together… From there you might also get naked together.
You just don’t have that sexual attraction with everyone. And if there is, I just let it happen. And no, then I don’t think about how I look anymore. How much confirmation do you actually need!?
More WOMAN
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