Cmacaw Esther Viola,
I’m writing to you because I’m stuck in the memory of a story that never took off, born in an old work context that was like a family for me. There I met a colleague who was a little older than me. We were both busy, but there was a special understanding between us, a latent attraction that made every day electric.
Then things changed: he decided to get back into the game, radically changing his life and study path. I got anxious. Moved by the fear of losing him and the need to hold onto that magic, I applied too much pressure, becoming oppressive. In reaction, some time ago he put a clear boundary, limiting contacts on messaging apps. I recently tried to text him an apology, but all I got was silence. Here I come across two opposing opinions: my personal friends tell me to look forward, while the friends we have in common advise me to give it time. In the meantime, I try to concentrate on my commitments, but I do it with a huge weight on my chest. The truth is that I don’t just miss him: I miss the atmosphere of that period, the idea of the two of us inside that perfect micro-world. How do we accept the silence of those we love when we feel like we have lost, together with that person, the happiest moment of our life?
Nostalgic ex-intern.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear ESN,
It’s time to make the list of ideal relationships and non-ideal relationships. Let’s simplify, with love you don’t have to go deeper, you have to do it quickly.
The ideal relationship, complete list
Relationship between two people who see each other occasionally, in situations with a slight risk of being discovered, with unresolved sexual tension.
Imaginary Relationship: There are brief hints of interest on the other side, but nothing ever materializes.
Relationship started two minutes ago: wonderful feeling, very fresh, everything new.
Relationship between lovers: time is short, impossibilities are many. There is always a dream, that of being together, and the impediments, what is more exciting than the impediments. The best sexual couplings are not those between two who love each other so much, they are those in which there is someone on the other side who knows nothing.
Relationship stopped suddenly after a promising start: another great ideal relationship, when the reasons for a sudden and inexplicable about-face are incomprehensible.
Relationships with fixations, of any kind. Unrequited love remains the strongest and most vigorous race, resistant to famine, drought, silence, storms, geological eras.
Relationship at eighteen: what total love, it’s all future and nothing past!
Relationships without cohabitation and with sufficient intervals to desire each other again. A life spent following the maintenance of desire.
Long distance relationships.
Relationships in which everything has been sacrificed – even various people around – to be together because, hey, we have the right to be happy!
The non-ideal relationship, complete list
Calm relationship.
Relationship without big run-ups.
Relationship in which both plan not to make life impossible for the other.
Relationship after ten years.
More correctly: relationship after 3 years of relationship.
Relationship without shocks.
Relationship to marriage and children.
Relationship in which you come home in the evening, have dinner together, sometimes nervous about things that happened at work.
Relationship in which he forgave himself a lot.
Relationship in which many things were not forgiven also because there was not the courage to say them.
Relationship in which sometimes you have to make an effort.
Relationship that sometimes you at least want to know who to blame, except that you have the answer and it’s you.
The conclusion
Dear ESN, as you can see, the descriptive categories distort the real state of things. And I think I have understood, from the very little that we are allowed to understand, that we must always stay in non-ideal relationships, if only for this reason: they are the only ones that exist, and they are the very few that have any possibility.
