Each person faces intense pain in a different way, but specialists advise seeking professional help or from entities that accompany mourning.
The decision of Ana Obregon of having a baby by surrogacy, at the age of 68, has caused the artist to “recover the illusion of living” after the death of their first son, Alesswhich caused her “such great pain that life ceased to make sense to her,” according to the magazine Hello! exclusively at birth. Indeed, losing a child, be it a baby or an older one, like Aless, who was 27 years old and died of cancer, is the worst blow that some parents can receive, given that infant mortality is very low in Western countries and, therefore, our brain may be partly prepared to lose grandparents, parents or even siblings, but not to see and suffer the death of your own son.
Beyond the controversy that Obregón’s decision has caused, around the business of surrogates or maternity so delayed, obviously, each person faces the grief of losing a child in a different way. However, specialists advise that in such a difficult situation, the “taboo of weakness” should be broken and always ask for Professional Help, or through specialists or associations or groups that offer accompaniment during mourning. Also, there are guides for parents on how to face the loss of a child and come back to life, published by psychologists or by parents who have overcome a similar situation, which offer the following guidelines and orientations:
How to deal with shock or fear?
“Mourning is not the same if death is unexpected, or comes after a long illness,” he explains Guillermo Zurita, physician and psychotherapist. In the first case, the emotional impact is so strong that parents can enter a state of shock, that leads them to live the event as something unreal or to deny what happened. There is also an intense pain and sadness, which usually cause a state of despondency. Also appears the distress“the constant feeling of what they could have done to avoid it and the false feeling that they could have changed the situation, all linked to the denial“.
All these sensations also appear when death occurs after a disease, at the time of diagnosis. And, in the following months, according to Zurita, the main emotion is the fearthat intense concern about what may happen or if death is going to occur.
What can I do to cope with it?
The guides mention four guidelines that help overcome grief. First, accept the reality of the loss, for which it helps to talk with other people about the death. Secondly, reflect on the emotions and the pain that you feel, understand that they are normal and be able to express it. Third, adjusting to life in the absence of the deceased and, perhaps the most difficult situation, relocate mentally and continue living, which requires greater self-awareness of the loss and strong personal growth. The duration of each phase is variable and depends a lot on the person, the circumstances of the death, the help of the environment, etc. but the usual thing is that the mourning lasts one or two years. After that time, if he continues to hold the person, it is considered that he suffers a pathological mourning. “If after five years the parents continue to relive the event, denying it, it is considered to be a chronic duel”, exemplifies Guillermo Zurita.
What do I do with their objects?
After death, the objects of the child are the closest and most palpable thing to hold on to, although arriving home just after the burial brings the first shock with the harsh reality of the loss. However, keeping the child’s things and his room as it usually helps make the vacuum, in the first moments, not so hard. For this reason, specialists recommend keep their toys, their clothes, their room for a while, but after that period, gradually get rid of your personal belongings. Some parents report that it helps them to go through the process of picking up their things, little by little, like stages along the way to overcome the duel. To those who prefer to do it alone, and others surrounded by loved ones. Sometimes it also helps them to know that their children’s things are useful to other people or that they will keep them as souvenirs, the guide explains.To live again after the loss of a child’, from Menudos Corazones.
When to recover the routine or return to work?
At first, life stops, and most people who lose a child, unexpectedly or after an illness, are not capable of doing anything other than cry or live lethargic, from bed to sofa, day after day. It causes them a lot of pain just thinking about going back to the daily routine. The specialists explain that it is normal for them to take that time to “digest” it, without joining, if the situation allows it, workbut after a while “it is good to return little by little to daily life”, according to Zurita, who warns that “it is not healthy to continue with normal life right after the death as if nothing had happened, because it means anesthetizing the duel”.
What do I do on his birthday?
Certain dates, especially birthdays, tend to reopen the open wound, so it is normal for those days or periods to intensify the pain due to the loss. To mitigate it, the guides advise schedule activities that favor distraction, dedicate that day to remember what you have experienced with the child, write what you feel, surround yourself with loved ones or adapt the celebration to the new situation.
Should I have another child?
Ana Obregón has chosen to have another child three years after Aless’s death. Such a decision depends on each person or family, but for the sake of the child that is about to arrive, the advice of the experts is to wait until the grief has been overcome. “You have to make the decision. once the pain is digestedcompleted the flight, not before because it would be a burden for the child and having a child to cover the pain is not emotionally healthy,” explains the psychotherapist.