mi wrote both Elena, a mother of a 16-year-old boy, and Marta, mother of a 20-year-old boy, both worried about the introverted, shy, insecure and isolated child. These guys have few friendsand mostly they’re friends that the guys don’t actually meet, but only via internet video. Elena’s son refuses any physical contact with the mother, he doesn’t even accept a pat on the back, even if she sees that a strong need for affection shines through his eyes. Marta’s son instead refuses to talk to parents although they have tried in various ways to push him to make a decision in the field of work but he, not knowing what to do, lives suspended in a dimension of procrastination without making any decisions and isolating himself.
Dr. Laura Peltonen answers
Dr. Laura Peltonen
Shyness and insecurity can certainly be a great suffering both for our son (even if he doesn’t admit it) and for the parents who would like to see him more confident. This anxiety of wanting to help their child pushes parents to urge him to leave the room and the virtual world but with poor results. Surely the pandemic it didn’t help anyone, least of all i shy and introverted boys. Instead, it made them even more insecure about themselves. They isolate themselves inside their rooms, interacting with the outside world only virtually, only through video games. Their fear of the future locks them inside their rooms.
Knowing how to seize the right moment
How to do? At times when they “force” out for example to eat, let’s try to turn these occasions into beautiful moments, we don’t pester them with questions about school or what they want to be when they grow up, they’re probably terrified and don’t even know it. We don’t press them with the decisions they have to make, they just become more anxious and withdrawn even more.
How to interact with adolescents reluctant to contact
Instead, we seek an opening in them asking to tell us something beautiful about their world, even of the unknown world of video games, let’s try to understand what he is passionate about. Let us tell you what they do on the net. Always without judging, just listening to their story. We parents sometimes, with great love thinking we know what’s best for our children, we forget about ask themselves what their dreams are, what they are passionate about and how they imagine their life.
How do you see yourself when you grow up?
Let’s try to understand not so much what they would like to do as a job if they don’t have the faintest idea, but let’s try to understand how they would like to see themselves from a greatOf. What kind of people would they like to be. Too many questions, if aimed only at appeasing parental anxiety can certainly be annoying, while a sincere interest in understanding what could make them happy it will have a different effect.
Teenagers, the importance of friends
Also, dear Elena and Marta, if your children have any friend ask to know him, propose to invite him to your home, physically. Instead, to help your child go out, try to understand if he has any interest in a sport, some musical instrument, or if he may be interested in participating in a theater group. Theater can be a great “tool” for a shy person, playing characters who are completely different from themselves can help manage their shyness.
How to still be able to spend beautiful moments together
Also try to involve them in family activities, for example by proposing a trip to a nearby or distant city that you have never visited, and let him choose the destination. Suggest that they go together to watch a game of some sport, again leaving the choice to him. Or a cinema, theatre, a concert – something that he likes and brings you together.
Feeling useful is therapeutic
Or try to bring him closer to volunteering. Every teenage boy wants to be helpful. And if he feels useless, he withdraws into himself and thinks that no one wants him. Let them do useful tasks around the house (clear the table, empty the dishwasher, do a washing machine, take out the garbage, do the shopping – we don’t always give them ready-made baby food) and when they do, thank them. We show gratitude for the simple fact that they have made something useful around the house for everyone. It’s a lot It’s important for an insecure guy to feel appreciated at home. Also remember to always tell him that we are proud of him. Only in this way does he acquire more self-confidence and so you help him get out of the bunker than he does.
I miss your hugs
For Elena, I would also suggest trying to talk to her son about the importance of physical contact. Tell him honestly that you miss her hugs. Maybe he’s afraid of “breaking down” from her emotions if she hugs him, he’s afraid of feeling vulnerable. Maybe he thinks it’s “men” to deprive yourself of physical contact, he doesn’t want to feel like a small child if his mother hugs him. Perhaps he is afraid of his own feelings. Rather than trying to hug him (never in the presence of other people, not even other family members, so as not to embarrass him) tell him that she would like to be hugged by him. AND let yourself be embraced, even hastily and awkwardly, you will see that over time the hugs become more enveloping for both of you.
Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching School, one of the Italian pioneers of coaching. In addition to his school, he also founded theItalian Association of Professional Coaches AICP in which I am an active member. For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
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