What if your partner abuses you: physically, psychologically or both and you want to leave, but don’t know how? How do you ask for help without being noticed? And when is the time to really go? The Brabantse Joeweela and Jessica died in July by partner violence. Also with the woman who died in Veldhoven on Friday morning it seems to be femicide. Her husband was arrested.
The decision to leave a violent relationship often only comes when the violence escalates. “At that time, women often know: I don’t want to go any further,” says Ilona Brekelmans from aid organization Sterk Huis with branches in Goirle and Teteringen. But that moment of departure is very dangerous. “The risk of femicide is greatest when the relationship is broken,” says Miriam of Veilig Thuis West-Brabant. That is why safety is always paramount.
“If it is life threatening, it is the moment anyway. Then you always have to call 112, scream loudly or scream,” she explains. “If their children are done something, women have already shifted the boundaries for themselves. That is also the time for them to get help,” Miriam knows.
Trust someone
Miriam advises victims anyway to trust someone: “For example, a neighbor, girlfriend, mother or sister or doctor – if you can go there alone.” That is often difficult. “The perpetrator will do everything to check, insulate and therefore also go along,” she explains. Therefore, share flight plans with as few people as possible. “The risk is far too great that it leaks out. You really have to prepare yourself very well,” says Miriam. Phones are regularly checked, so locations and digital traces must be carefully deleted.
Brekelmans: “There are several ways to call in help.” Those who want to leave can contact us 24 hours a day Safe home. Contacting the police is also an option. In Tilburg there are accessible aid organizations such as crisis intervention teams and from October Steunpunt Filomena. Sterk Huis also offers help through ‘sidewalk reports’ that are done via the victim’s network. “So there are many ways to get help,” says Brekelmans.
Flight plan
“Strong house can also come on site with the police. Then we make a flight plan together,” she says. It is discussed whether someone is temporarily hiding in acquaintances or is taken care of in a special reception location. Veilig Thuis and Sterk Huis help women prepare a flight plan.
“Make sure you have important papers, some clothing, phone numbers and a flight bag for any children. Somewhere where he doesn’t see it or smuggle it out if necessary,” Miriam advises. Moreover, the departure must be carefully and unobtrusive. “He should not get a suspicion.”
Partner violence and femicide can occur everywhere
Violence within relationships often remains invisible, especially in women who have a good job or large social network. “They feel a lot of shame and seek help less quickly. But femicide also takes place there,” Ilona Brekelmans of Sterk Huis emphasizes. According to her, it is a misconception that partner violence only occurs in vulnerable situations.
A harrowing example is the story of the Clarinda, the sister of Anne-Marije van den Bersselaar. Clarinda was murdered in Den Bosch in 2021 by her ex, shortly after she broke their relationship. She was a criminologist and worked at the Child Protection Board. “So it can happen to anyone,” says Anne-Marije. “My sister knew exactly how the help put together because of her work, but she still got the wrong help and she wasn’t safe.”
She sees broader problems in society. “The conviction that you don’t hang the dirty laundry outside, still lives. People wonder what the woman has done to earn it,” she says. “Many women have learned to make themselves small and say sorry.” Also, victims are often not heard or believed if they do dare to go to the police. “Because what will they have done to drive the partner to madness?”
According to her, there are still stubborn prejudices about victims of partner violence. “The problem has been neglected for too long.” She sees the violence and control as a response to the changing division of roles. “Women have become more independent. Some men try to get their power back through control.” Anne-Marije therefore argues for more openness and breaking the taboo. “It is always good to talk to people, even if you are ashamed.”
Evidence
Brekelmans advises victims to collect evidence: apps, emails, sound recordings, witness statements, photos of injuries, medical reports or diary notes. Certainly because domestic violence is very difficult to demonstrate in relationships. “Taking recordings with the phone now helps psychological violence also become punishable.” Miriam also believes it is important to collect evidence, because that is necessary when a declaration is made. “But safety is paramount. It is a risk to save and store things, especially in a relationship where a man checks everything. So ask yourself: does this make a danger to me?”
Proof is nice later. “But if it endangers you, you shouldn’t do it.” According to Miriam, the chance of femicide is high if the perpetrator finds evidence. “That can lead to a fatal escalation.” At Sterk Huis, the collection is done in consultation with the police. “We help women to do that safely.” The police can temporarily confiscate a telephone to secure evidence.
‘No money needed’
Financial preparation is often difficult. “Someone who is isolated often does not have a bank account and pass,” says Miriam. “Sometimes they are not allowed to work either, because that is another way to make contact with the outside world. Then it is very difficult to lock money to save.” For that reason, women sometimes leave the house without a cent. But there is help.
“The lack of financial resources never has to be a reason not to flee,” says Brekelmans. “There are schemes for benefits, housing and guidance.” Also outside the daycare there are outpatient teams with knowledge of financial affairs. “There is nowhere a pot of money, but care and safety. The departure is the most important thing, from there the conditions are arranged.”
The red flags in a relationship:
- A lot of attention, rapid relationship formation
- Overloaded with presents
- Insulate people
- Keep away from friends/family
- Making the victim insecure
- Possession
- Controlling behavior: keeping telephone/mail
- Gaslighting: everything is your fault
- Physical and sexual violence
- Stalking
- Violence in pregnancy
- Extreme fear of victim
- Often forgot: attempt strangulation/suffocation
Veilig Thuis mentions an attempted strangulation the ‘alarm signal’ for femicide. “If we read that, it is a red flag for us. She really runs an increased risk of being killed.” According to the aid organization, perpetrators strangle their victims to show what they are capable of.
Anne-Marije saw that the relationship between her sister and her murderer developed rapidly. She lived together very quickly and was quickly pregnant. “You have to ask yourself: Why does someone in the initial phase give continuous attention, his gifts are disproportionate and does everything go very fast?” Says Anne-Marije. “If your gut feeling is not correct, be cautious.”