How do I frighten my son without frightening him?

Mother: “My son of 10 was recently when he cycled to his hockey training, approached by a boy of 15 on a fatbike, who wanted to know exactly where he was going and to what time. I then told my son that groups of young people are active who are trying to recruit boys like him for ‘small’ crime. The result: my son no longer dares to cycle alone to hockey. Of course that was not my intention: I only wanted to make him attentive and aware. How do you scare your child for life without frightening him to everything that can happen? ”

Strengthen resolving capacity

Marga Akkerman: “This must have been an intimidating incident for your 10-year-old son. Thank you for nothing to happen. Apparently he remained calm and he has responded adequately. That deserves a compliment.

“We make children live by taking what they tell about fearful situations, and then supporting them in their own problem -solving capacity:” You’ll find that very well handled that way! ”

“But instead of this reinforcement, you increased the threat of what could have happened with your response. As a result, your son does not have self -confidence after the conversation: I can deal with this, but: what couldn’t have happened to me?! And that makes anxious.

“Parents who are quickly worried are doing well to take a closer look at their own reactions to the stories of the children. It does not help children if their experiences are anxiously interpreted.

“You don’t have to warn your child for numerous dangers, but you are of course responsible for his safety. If it is known that places are really unsafe, a 10-year-old does not go there at that age without adult guidance. At least he cycles with a boyfriend.

“If there are details in the neighborhood, such as gangs on Fatbikes, the school can pay attention to it in a wise way with expert evenings. Not to fuel the fear, but to discuss together: what can a child do in such a situation? Your child will immediately see the power of jointly accelerating. ”

Let go

Loes Keijsers: “We must warn children for real dangers, such as not crossing without looking. Then there is some functional fear with them, you can’t escape that. In addition, as a parent you keep in mind: how great is the risk really? In a farming village you warn of tractors that you don’t see, in a city in front of the tram.

“You only make children life through them depending on their age and the circumstances in a controlled manner. It is important that they learn to solve their own problems. That gives self -confidence. By avoiding the confrontation with the fear, it gets worse.

“Apparently it only went cycling before this incident well. Build it step by step. For example, by cycling on the way there, or asking your son to call on arrival if he had a telephone. Some parents track their children with live locations, but there is a chance that children then internalize that the world is threatening.

“You help your child by being relaxed yourself. We know that stressed parents need more to control the lives of their children. Talk to age and neighbors about which dangers in the vicinity of your children are realistic. “

Marga Akkerman is non-practicing clinical youth and child psychologist. Loes Keijsers is a professor of pedagogy at the Erasmus School of Social and Behavioral Sciences in Rotterdam.